Society

Britain not ready for another day off

WORKERS are dreading the prospect of another three-day weekend so soon after Easter.

It all comes down to having a weird-looking penis, says Clarkson

JEREMY Clarkson has explained that his persona comes from being teased at school about his grapefruit-shaped penis.

Everything you buy to come with zero-hours contract

ALL consumer goods are to come with a contract for a shitty 'flexible hours' job

Comment recommender honoured for services to the internet

A MAN who indiscriminately clicks the ‘recommend’ button on internet comments has been honoured for helping to keep the internet going.

Keytars to be allowed in prisons

THE ban on musical instruments in prison does not include cool synths, it has been confirmed.

Kittens reaching peak cuteness

KITTENS are at a point of maximum cuteness beyond which they will no longer be a mental balm, experts have warned.

World's best restaurants full of world's worst people

THE world's most esteemed eating places are almost entirely populated by dicks.

Small vegetables must be exterminated, says giant vegetable grower

AN elderly grower of prize-winning giant vegetables has admitted wanting to see smaller vegetables destroyed.