Mild cheese not cheese, say experts

CHEESE which is weaker than ‘medium’ is an abomination, experts have confirmed.

Short men to spend day thinking about being short

SHORT men have confirmed plans to spend the day contemplating their small stature.

Shots are not a round, say experts

SHOTS do not count as a round of drinks, expert drinkers have agreed.

Pub forced to serve 15-year-old because age recognition software says he’s 44

AN UNDERAGE boy has been served a pint of beer by his local pub after age recognition software confirmed that he was 44 years old.

Sad, desperate man thinks woman’s body language is flirtatious

A LONELY man believes he has picked up subtle sexual signals from a female colleague’s behaviour.

Vegetarian excited by single choice on restaurant menu

A VEGETARIAN has rejoiced at the one suitable meal offered on a restaurant menu.

Self-employed man dreams of becoming oppressed wage slave

A SELF-EMPLOYED man would love to be trapped in a soul-destroying salaried job, he has confirmed.

Most immigrants are escaped Kryptonian prisoners, reveals Daily Mail

TWO-THIRDS of all immigrants were imprisoned on their home planet Krypton before escaping and heading to Britain, the Daily Mail has revealed.