Society

Cameron consigns unemployment to the X-Files

DAVID Cameron has tasked investigators to look into increased sightings of unemployed people.

‘Curvy’ now officially means ‘breasts’

ALL words relating to curves have been reclassified to exclusively refer to women's breasts.

Men with sports cars to use £10k speeding fine as new penis measure

MEN who define themselves with fast cars have pledged to become the first of their ilk to get a £10,000 speeding fine.

Pimm’s voted best drink with vegetables floating in it

SUMMER favourite Pimm’s has once again been named as best alcoholic drink with chunks of vegetable in it.

Schools to teach values, awareness and maybe some maths and English

BRITAIN’S schools are to focus on the key subjects of values, awareness and cultural identity.

90 per cent of speeches now end with ‘f*ck all of my haters’

MOST speeches at christenings, graduation ceremonies and conferences now end with the speaker inviting any haters to fuck themselves.

£60 fixed penalty for drunk texting

A £60 fixed penalty will be introduced for anyone texting while under the influence of alcohol.

Homeless deterred with buzzards

LONDON’S homeless are to be dealt with using birds of prey.