Society

2015 already written off

THE current year has been abandoned as a waste of everyone's time after just five days.

Rail price increases make c-word go mainstream

THE announcement of increased train ticket prices has caused millions to use the strongest possible expletive.

Christmas summarised with a single grunt

BRITONS are describing their Christmas break to each other using a single semi-intelligible sound.

Cheap oil to create stinking, cancerous, gridlocked utopia

THE plummeting oil price will create a perfect world of traffic jams and a foul-smelling greyish-green fog.

Drunken mob roaming nation looking for carol service

A MOB of more than 400,000 drunks is staggering around the UK searching for a carol service to bellow at.

F**king five-year-old wants f**king iPad for Christmas

A CHILD of five has asked Santa Claus for a f**king £400 iPad in his Christmas stocking.

Prescription drugs cause liberal outburst

A COMMITTED racist and homophobe has blamed pain-killing medication for a string of cogent arguments in favour of multi-culturalism and gay rights.

Woman’s arty gift shop is a shrine to pointlessness

THE proprietor of a shop selling tasteful artisan gifts has realised it is all just so f*cking irrelevant.