Society

Crying now meaningless

THE act of shedding tears has been made emotionally meaningless by The X Factor.

'British FBI' to focus on the paranormal

A NEW body styled as the UK's FBI will focus on werewolves, ghosts and other aspects of the supernatural.

Poorer parents demand right to send their children away

LOWER-EARNING parents want to be able to send their kids away like rich people do.

Tattoos must reflect owners' averageness

TATTOO parlours will be made to use designs that accurately reflect their recipients under new guidelines.

'Lazy 90%' alienated by Tories

THE Tories are facing a massive fall in public support after their slogan 'For Hardworking People' excluded almost everyone.

78% of human population actually yetis

THE majority of so-called people are in fact sasquatches.

Rest of human race having more fun than you

EVERYONE else is having a better time than you, it has emerged.

Daily Mail hates everyone in Britain

THE Daily Mail hates Britain and everyone in it, experts have confirmed.