Society

Next person who says they are ‘loving’ something to get punched in the face

THE next individual to describe themselves as ‘loving’ this or that can be punched squarely in the face, the government has confirmed.

Villages’ quirky Halloween celebrations also involve human sacrifice

RURAL villages that mark Halloween with funny old-fashioned ceremonies always kill someone at the end, it has emerged.

Immigration poll reveals Daily Mail working like a charm

THE Daily Mail has welcomed a poll which shows just how incredibly wrong British people are about levels of immigration.

Middle class people wishing they could spend holidays in a hotel

BRITAIN’S middle class people are sick of having to stay in cold, draughty old cottages whenever they go on holiday.

Children raise half-term bribe level

THE UK's children have increased their price for not being little bastards during half-term.

Man thinks he gets a lot of emails

UNEMPLOYED Wayne Hayes is under the impression that 12 emails a day is a lot.

Britain to dig massive tunnel for no reason whatsoever

BRITAIN is to dig a tunnel through the Pennines because it was unable to come up with anything else.

Bowling only of interest to show-offs

TRIPS to bowling alleys are always organised by men who want to show off, it has emerged.