THE government is to spend almost £600 billion on the four biggest things it could think of.
THE volume of attractive wives needing immediate no-strings sexual encounters is becoming a humanitarian crisis, it has been claimed.
A GRANDMOTHER in Lancashire has begun boiling the vegetables for her Christmas dinner.
LARGE television sets have condemned their media portrayal as icons of consumerist stupidity.
A HUGELY expensive pair of bespoke jeans still resembles those worn by a Top Gear presenter, it has emerged.
ANY real-life situation involving illegal drugs is like something out of Breaking Bad, according to newspaper editors.
A FEARLESS adventurer has stunned friends by venturing overseas with scant regard for lost luggage or flight delays.
A MARRIED couple who have not spoken since 1994 have no idea what they are called, their children confirmed.