96 per cent of enthusiasm fake

INDIVIDUALS who claim to be enthusiastic actually just like hearing themselves speak.

Goth sanctuary site confirmed

A CREPUSCULAR forest wherein echoes the melancholic song of the nightingale is to become the UK’s first goth sanctuary.

Egg hunt enters desperate phase

THE search for a missing Maltesers egg has continued through the night.

People who don’t care about houses ‘a threat to society’

GIVING up on owning property could lead to dangerous behaviour like reading books or being interested in world events, it has been claimed.

New bullshit mum type unveiled

A WRITER has invented ‘the chillaxed mega-mum’.

Churches welcome fair-weather bastards through gritted teeth

CHURCHES are preparing a lukewarm Easter welcome for fickle Christians who turn up twice a year.

Poor people must eat gentrified burgers

FAST food outlets in poorer areas must become a bit fancy, it has been confirmed.

Wi-fi password should be screamed into guests' faces at door

HOUSEGUESTS should be greeted with the wi-fi password at maximum volume, according to new etiquette guidelines.