Builder to leave van in pub car park for next decade

A BUILDER has confirmed plans to abandon his van in a pub car park for the foreseeable future.

Man at dinner party gazes longingly at five-a-side goal in garden

A MAN in his 40s has spent a whole dinner party looking through the window at the five-a-side goal in the back garden.

Friends rally round to make break-up worse

AN EX-COUPLE’S friends have rallied round during their break-up to try and make it all much worse.

Britain either entering new golden age or totally f**ked

THE UK is entering a new era of glory or is totally and utterly screwed, experts have confirmed.

Woman claims her 'mummy blog' will be different from all the others

A WOMAN has announced plans to start a mummy blog that will definitely be different from all of the others.

Autocorrect can tell woman still pissed from night before

A SMARTPHONE’S autocorrect function can detect when its user is still drunk from the night before, it has emerged.

Government to abolish inspirational teachers

INSPIRATIONAL teachers have no place in Brexit Britain and will be scrapped, the government has confirmed.

Man puts big light on again

A MAN has once again put the big light on despite knowing full well that his girlfriend prefers the lamps.