Society

All fancy dress offensive

THE overall concept of fancy dress is offensive to adult humans, it has been claimed.

Married gays to tour drought-hit countries

BETROTHED homosexuals are to use their magical flood-creating powers to bring new life to desert regions.

Miliband pledges After Eights for every middle class family

ED Miliband has pledged to rebuild middle class confidence with free After Eight mints.

Playing truant made even better by threat to parents

SCHOOLCHILDREN are more motivated to play truant now that their parents will be punished in a court of law.

Five second rule to include extra five seconds

THE government is to tackle food poverty by officially doubling the five allowable seconds for food dropped on the floor.

French textbooks to feature people having affairs

GCSE French textbooks are to be enhanced with stories of extra-marital liaisons.

Britons to get lessons in splitting up

BRITISH people are to receive coaching in how to split up with each other.

UKIP to buy all the houses in Stevenage

UKIP is to buy houses in Stevenage until it can take over the town and turn it into a self-governing ‘mini-Britain’.