It's Monday f**king morning again, experts confirm

IT IS Monday f**king morning and time for another round of this bullshit, it has been confirmed.

Lack of religious education leaves pupils unprepared for life in 1951

MORE than a quarter of England’s secondary schools do not offer religious education, leaving pupils unable to cope with life in the early 1950s.

90 percent of kebabs more regrettable than 90 percent of one night stands

NINETY percent of kebabs are significantly more regrettable than most drunken one night stands, researchers have have confirmed.

Man playing public piano in railway station doesn’t realise he’s a twat

A MAN tinkling about on a public piano in a railway station is unaware he is getting on everyone’s tits.

'Spa weekends' are just drugs and gigolos, admit women

LUXURY spa breaks are just a cover for a two days of drug-fuelled debauchery with hired escorts, women have admitted.

Couple who claim their cats are ‘just like babies’ slept for eight hours last night

A COUPLE who believe looking after two cats makes them just the same as new parents have enjoyed another night of blissful, uninterrupted sleep.

Dad calls breasts 'knockers'

A FATHER refers to women's breasts as ‘knockers’, it has emerged.

Homeless people love it, says government

HOMELESSNESS is an exciting lifestyle choice and nothing to do with cutting benefits, the government has claimed.