OWNERS of open-top cars are secretly aware that the novelty has worn off.
MOST Britons think World War One involved extraterrestrials in massive tripods, it has emerged.
THE celebration of National Orgasm Day has been followed by a day of changing the subject, turning over and pretending to go to sleep.
SCOTLAND has been overwhelmed by boring, self-obsessed people with something to prove.
GATWICK has doubled its staff of surly baggage-flingers.
CHILDREN have moved on from their love for pirates to a fascination with hired killers.
WORKERS are being coerced into joining complex and tedious fantasy football games.
BRITONS are expected to vote in favour of opening a box containing unspeakable evil.