POLICE have warned the public to stay indoors until the post-Grand Theft Auto V murder spree has subsided.
CLOWNS have spoken out to confirm their malice and wickedness.
MILLIONS of Britons will soon exist in a daily cycle of work, pub, drunk tank.
POLICE are trying to trace the recipient of a card signed by an estimated 5,000,000 workers across the UK.
BRITAIN'S womanisers have begun targeting Grand Theft Auto V widows.
MOST Britons are good-natured morons rather than unpleasant bigots, research has revealed.
BRITAIN'S student houses are medieval-style barter economies where skills such as tea making, washing up and joint rolling are exchanged.
CONSUMERS have demanded that shops immediately start selling Christmas stuff.