Smiling new mums in cafe sharing birth stories more gruesome than Human Centipede

A GROUP of happy-looking new mothers in a cafe spent the morning exchanging experiences of labour so horrific they make Saw V sound like Mary Poppins.

Worker who is top of office fantasy league also bottom of productivity league

A MAN who is in first place in his office’s Fantasy Premier League is also in last place for amount of work done, it has emerged.

Woman leaves house to give her cat some space

A WOMAN has gone on a shopping trip so her pet cat can enjoy a bit of alone time, she has admitted.

‘Dry January’ date drives both parties back to hard liquor

A MAN and woman who attempted a first date while sober now drink to forget how unbearably awkward it was, they have confirmed.

Posh boss casually admits he has never been to the North

A PUBLIC-SCHOOL educated boss has casually admitted that in his 43 years he has never visited the North of Britain.

Arsehole has strange need to outdo whatever you've just said

A MAN cannot listen to a harmless anecdote or mildly amusing comment without trying to do better, it has been confirmed.

Noisy neighbours silenced by man seriously thinking about going over there 

A GROUP of noisy neighbours turned off their music after a man seriously considered going over there, it has been revealed. 

Thrill-seeking tissue goes on wild ride through washing machine

A TWO-PLY ultra strong tissue has emerged mostly intact from a wild ride in a washing machine, it has been confirmed.