Lying about the length of your commute is lying to yourself

LYING to friends and colleagues by claiming your commute is 20 minutes shorter than it is means you are lying to yourself, experts have confirmed.

Britons to be held accountable for their drunken boasts

BRITONS are to be held responsible for all their drunken boasts and failure to do so will result in criminal charges.

Flash car in no way reflects rest of man's life

A FANCY car bought on finance is totally unrepresentative of the rest of its owner’s fairly crap life, it has emerged.

‘Did I throw up in a pumpkin last night?’ asks bleary-eyed eight-year-old

AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD has woken up in a tattered skeleton outfit surrounded by Swizzels wrappers with a vague memory of being sick in a jack-o’-lantern.

Gilet wearer admits his arms have been cold for years

A LONG-TERM gilet wearer has admitted that his arms are often very cold.

I'm not scary kids, says man nailed to a plank

JESUS has condemned scary things, despite being nailed to some wood and wearing a crown of thorns.

Guardian confused by man who doesn't want to go to Oxbridge

THE Guardian is deeply confused by a man who does not want to study at 'Oxbridge', it has confirmed.

Little shits generously putting on free firework displays

LITTLE SHITS in your area will be hosting free public fireworks displays this week, they have confirmed.