Rock climbers enjoyed excellent weekend of gruelling misery

BRITAIN’S rock climbers had a satisfying weekend of fear and physical discomfort, they have announced.

Vegan just happens to mention it in every other sentence

A VEGAN casually mentions her dietary preferences in roughly 50 per cent of the things she says, it has emerged.

Father stuns family by displaying an emotion

A FATHER of two has sent shock waves through his family by showing a complex emotion.

People who tell it like it is actually telling it like it isn’t

PEOPLE who express themselves in plain, simple terms are invariably wrong, it has emerged.

Britain realises it can only handle a four-day week

BRITONS have confirmed that four days of work per week is the most they can be expected to cope with.

Commuters delighted at train delays for actual reason

LONDON commuters delayed for hours by a fire on the tracks at Vauxhall are thrilled that there is a genuine reason for once.

Man launches failed attempt to do something that is not the pub

A SUNSHINE-INSPIRED attempt to do a social activity not involving the pub immediately died on its arse, it has emerged.

Top level hipsters meet to discuss gammon

LEADING hipsters have met in a craft ale pub to discuss whether gammon should be the next food trend.