Society

Our bad-tempered behaviour is not a cry for help, say old men

ELDERLY men have warned the public not to try making friends with them.

Older workers to get nostalgia breaks

WORKERS over 45 are to be given daily breaks to lose themselves in vivid recollections of the past.

Pension money spent entirely on figurines

RETIRED people allowed to dip into their pension pots have blown the lot on porcelain figurines.

Listening to loud music on train not an act of rebellion

PLAYING loud music on public transport is not a legitimate way of fighting the system, it has emerged.

Midwife strike highly inconvenient, say unborn babies

THOUSANDS of ambitious foetuses have been forced to remain in the womb by the midwives’ strike.

Drinking outside back to the year-rounders

CASUAL outdoor drinkers have gone inside and left the hardcore to continue through the winter months.

Mum wants to hear and ruin your Christmas plans

YOUR mother is keen to hear what you have in mind for Christmas so she can completely overrule it.

Hopelessly mixed metaphor enters fifth analogy

AN anecdote about work has turned into a hellish mess of ill-advised comparisons.