First date goes well after nobody tells an ounce of truth

WAYNE Hayes had his best first date ever after completely concealing the majority of his personality, he confirmed.

Worker builds comedy persona around lack of productivity

AN OFFICE worker has been cracking jokes about his lack of output in an attempt to make it acceptable.

Woman leaves house with unmoisturised face

A WOMAN has ventured outside without moisturising her face, it has been confirmed.

Man thinks he is ‘holding court’

A MAN believes he has captivated the room with a tedious story about how great he is.

Elderly man on train silently judging everyone for being on smart phones 

AN elderly man has confirmed he will be silently judging everyone who is using a smartphone on the train when they should be looking at the lovely scenery.

I surfed to work, claims arsehole Londoner

AN INSUFFERABLE London-based interface designer claims to have surfed into his workplace from his Hertfordshire home.

Consumers of dairy-free cheese need to realise it's total bullshit

THE people buying and eating dairy-free cheese need to give it up, it has been confirmed.

Middle-class mum radicalised by John Lewis

FRIENDS of a middle-class mother of two are concerned at her increasingly extreme pro-John Lewis views.