Gambling machines 'the stock market for poor people'

HIGH-STAKES gambling machines are the nearest poor people can get to the thrill of the stock exchange, according to bookmakers.

Granny tastes of death, confirm kids

GRANDCHILDREN have confirmed that kissing elderly relatives is like putting your mouth against a crypt.

Libraries still empty

BRITAIN'S libraries have been unaffected by the January rush for self-improvement, say librarians.

Fudd declares badger cull vewy successful

THE government's chief marksman Elmer Fudd has denied that the badger cull was essentially farcical.

Britons give up openly drinking

MILLIONS of Britons have begun 2014 by vowing to drink only in secret.

Aftershave still top gift for virgins

PEOPLE who have never had sex are the most likely to request aftershave or cologne as Christmas presents.

Rest of country told to be more like place everyone hates living in

THE government is to make all towns more like the capital, with an increase in hostility and chicken shops.

Women campaign against 'fun' party preparation

WOMEN have called for an end to advertisements that show party preparation as a fun female bonding activity.