Voter who liked Labour policy slapping himself around the face

A VOTER who thought a policy in Labour’s manifesto sounded ‘attractive’ is slapping his own face repeatedly and telling himself to ‘wake up’.

Food banks 'being abused by dole scroungers’, confirms man's fevered imagination

PEOPLE only use food banks so they can spend their benefits on fags and booze, according to a man who has imagined the problem thoroughly.

Toughest thing about marriage is when wife scrapes car, confirm husbands

MEN have agreed that marriage takes work, that it is a marathon not a sprint, and the toughest part is when the wife scrapes the car again.

Young people to have arses kicked all the way to polling stations

SQUADS of arse-kickers are to be deployed to ensure the under-25s bother to vote in the general election.

Man pretending he won't just order the burger

A MAN is studying a menu and making inane comments in a bid to convince his fellow diners that he might ordering anything but a burger.

Quirky couple wants everyone to choose song for wedding playlist as long as it’s to their taste

A COUPLE have asked their wedding guests to suggest songs for their party playlist, provided they are the kind of tracks they would have chosen anyway.

Big decisions should always be left until last possible moment, confirm experts

LIFE'S most important decisions are best ignored and put off until they become absolutely impossible to avoid, a study has confirmed.

Immigration to be reduced to a fun Australian and a pretty Italian

IMMIGRATION to the UK will be cut to just two people who are acceptable to Britain’s racists and xenophobes, Theresa May has announced.