Average family pissed off with everyone asking what the budget means for them

AN AVERAGE family with two children has told the media to get its nose out of their personal finances.

Jaguar drivers distracted from road by thinking about how amazing they are

DRIVERS of Jaguar cars can become distracted by thoughts of intense self-love, it has emerged.

If you loved your children you would found a free school, says government

THE government has told parents that if they really cared about their children's education they would found their own free school.

Man in cafe desperate to be friends with people who work there

A MAN who spends a lot of time in a cool cafe is desperate to become friends with its staff, it has emerged.

Dog appalled to discover he is a 'fanny magnet'

A DOG has been dismayed to realise that he is being used as a way for an average-looking man to attract women, it has emerged.

Couple build dream home for nightmare lifestyle

AN AFFLUENT couple have created an amazing house in which to do tedious things with their awful friends, they have revealed.

Friend's new girlfriend is against drugs

A MAN’S friends have been thrown into crisis after it emerged that his new girlfriend is ‘against drugs’.

'Mocktail' drinker secretly adding a load of vodka

A ‘MOCKTAIL’ drinker has admitted she secretly adds a ‘great deal of vodka’ to her absurd, teetotal concoctions.