ENGLISH people will continue to receive benefits even if they make no attempt to speak, read or write in English.
THE UK's students have arrived home to get their parents' internet working and end long-term relationships.
BRITAIN’S new food police will be able to name all eight varieties of edible bun.
THE writer of a Mail Online story about a 'baby mama' has said she once had dreams of doing something worthwhile.
YOUR regular Christmas card from a couple you've never met has arrived.
SURVIVORS of the London fog have revealed that 'some bad, freaky shit is happening in there'.
THE destruction of a Lenin statue in the Ukraine has been condemned by hipsters who wanted it for their roof garden.
THE Guardian newspaper has launched its annual appeal to make you feel dreadful about Christmas.