Society

Incredibly depressing time capsule buried

A TIME capsule containing the Ebola virus, a bent iPhone 6 and a UKIP manifesto has been buried as a warning to future humans.

Inclusive community choir secretly hoping the shit ones will quit

A COMMUNITY choir that welcomes all singing abilities would quite like it if the tuneless ones stopped turning up, it has emerged.

Bus driver only discriminates against people who do not have the exact fare

A BUS driver has confirmed that he welcomes passengers of all races, creeds and sexual orientations provided they do not try to pay with a note.

Violent winds prompt everyone on flight to stare intently at the magazine

PASSENGERS on turbulent flights are pretending to read the in-flight magazine while inwardly shitting themselves.

Someone always has to be difficult, confirm scientists

NEW research has found that in any situation involving multiple humans one of them will be deliberately uncooperative.

Scotland unveils 'Birthplace of F*cking' slogan

SCOTLAND is capitalising on being the site of the first act of copulation with a new slogan and flag.

Waitrose shopping contained intimidatingly working class spider

A FAMILY’S Waitrose food delivery contained a massive loudmouthed spider with old-fashioned sexist views.

UK hit by terrorist shed burglaries

A WAVE of terror-related break-ins have been reported from garden sheds, garages and outhouses around the UK.