Society

UK in deadly grip of Pimm’s

BRITAIN is reeling under an onslaught of Pimm’s-fuelled violence and disorder due to forgetting that the summer drink is alcoholic.

Vanish Tip Exchange is the new Twitter

TWITTER is being abandoned by users aged 16-24 in favour of the thriving and lawless Vanish Tip Exchange.

Public warned not to acknowledge festival wristbands

PEOPLE wearing expired festival wristbands are a limitless source of tiresome drug anecdotes, it has been claimed.

Business success based on crossing your arms

THE secret to being successful in business is posing for photographs with your arms crossed, studies have shown.

Literal surnames to be reintroduced

MEDIEVAL-STYLE surnames that describe a person’s job or characteristics are to be brought back, the government has announced.

Tattooists asked to switch back to Chinese

TATTOO artists have been told to go back to using foreign languages by observers horrified by the trite sentiments of modern tattoos.

Thirtysomethings make half-hearted plan to meet up

SOME friends in their mid-thirties have made a vague, doomed plan to have a drink.

Smackhead breaks walking speed record

HEROIN addict Tom Logan has reached a walking speed of 18 miles per hour while going to score.