English to get benefits whether or not they speak English

ENGLISH people will continue to receive benefits even if they make no attempt to speak, read or write in English.

Students home to dump boyfriends and fix parents' broadband

THE UK's students have arrived home to get their parents' internet working and end long-term relationships.

Food police will be trained in eight kinds of bun

BRITAIN’S new food police will be able to name all eight varieties of edible bun.

Mail Online journalist writing about a 'baby mama' had dreams once

THE writer of a Mail Online story about a 'baby mama' has said she once had dreams of doing something worthwhile.

Annual Christmas card from people you don't know arrives

YOUR regular Christmas card from a couple you've never met has arrived.

It’s like ‘Event Horizon’ in there, say fog survivors

SURVIVORS of the London fog have revealed that 'some bad, freaky shit is happening in there'.

Hipsters condemn toppling of Lenin statue

THE destruction of a Lenin statue in the Ukraine has been condemned by hipsters who wanted it for their roof garden.

Guardian begins annual ruining of Christmas

THE Guardian newspaper has launched its annual appeal to make you feel dreadful about Christmas.