Failure now an option

FAILURE is always an option despite what they tell you, experts have confirmed.

Refugees must constantly hum ‘Gimme Shelter’

ASYLUM seekers must make themselves identifiable by humming Gimme Shelter by The Rolling Stones, ministers have confirmed.

Arsehole brings his own bowling ball

AN INSUFFERABLE tit brought his own bowling ball along to the office night-out, it has emerged.

Man with big holes in his ears desperate for your approval

A MAN who has made large holes in his ears is absolutely desperate for your approval.

Dads doing unnecessary things with cars

BRITAIN’S dads are constantly doing unnecessary things to their cars, it has emerged.

Middle class English people acting a bit Scottish

ENGLISH Guardian readers are pretending to like Scottish culture, food and drinking habits.

Alcohol is laziest and best birthday present

ALCOHOL remains the laziest possible birthday gift that is sincerely appreciated, the UK has confirmed.

Woman with wheelie case leaves trail of destruction in her wake

24 PEOPLE have been hospitalised by an ignorant person's wheelie case.