Competent cook convinced he is a fancy chef

A MAN has been deceived into thinking he is a professional chef by food websites and celebrity cookbooks.

Only reason to drop litter is that you're a selfish dick, say experts

SCIENTISTS have been unable to identify a single worthwhile reason for dropping litter.

People who like big decorative letters cannot even read

PEOPLE with big letters strewn around their homes are illiterate morons, it has been confirmed.

Schoolkids rule the bus, confirm experts

RESEARCHERS have definitively proven that children aged 11-16 are in complete command of any bus they are on.

Liberal elite declares police state

THE UK government has been overthrown by a liberal elite junta headed by Guardian columnist Polly Toynbee.

Showing initiative ‘a waste of everyone’s time’

SHOWING initiative is a waste of time for the person who does it and those who have to live with the consequences.

Matching North Face jackets mandatory for couples aged 45 and over

MIDDLE-AGED couples are legally required to wear matching practical jackets to even the most inappropriate occasions, it has been confirmed.

Personality survey finds rational Britons desperately outnumbered

A NATIONWIDE personality study has found that only 0.4 per cent of the population is not obsessed with sofas and fighting.