Car alarm sound not associated with car being stolen

EVERYONE assumes car alarms are just going off for no reason, it has emerged.

University a waste of time, according to bitter people

GETTING a degree is a complete waste of time, according to people full of regret about not going to university.

Children a massive scam dreamt up by shops

CHILDREN are an elaborate scam created by retailers and costing an average of £150,000.

Pretending to be hard now a job

THE government is to reduce youth unemployment by making pretending to be hard an actual job.

Plain-looking students' exam success goes undocumented

STUDENTS who fall outside the bracket of 'nubile sexy girls' may or may not have gotten good A Level results.

Near death experience gets contemporary makeover

GOD has updated the 'near death experience' for the first time since the 70s.