Society

Friend of friend turns out to be massive arse

A FRIEND’S friend has revealed himself to be an unmitigated arsehole.

Normal people to commandeer the nice bits of hipsters' lifestyles

NORMAL people will be able to commandeer the lifestyle of a local hipster, it has been confirmed.

Man in great mood can’t tell anyone it’s because he’s scored coke

A MAN in an uncharacteristically buoyant mood is unable to tell his colleagues it is due to having scored two grams of cocaine for the weekend.

Man is being arbitrarily detained at Argos, UN rules

A MAN who has been waiting for his Argos purchase for more than 15 minutes is being arbitrarily detained in violation of his human rights, the UN has ruled.

Inflation ‘stable’ if you don’t include stuff that actually matters

INFLATION remains stable as long as you ignore all the things that have gone up enormously, experts have confirmed.

Facebook ‘Friends Day’ breeds nothing but renewed contempt

FACEBOOK’S celebration of friendship has led to a surge in bitter hatred.

Open mic night ruined by every single performer

AN open mic night in a pub has been ruined by every single person who performed at it.

Happiest places in UK are almost not in it

THE happiest places in the UK are on the verge of not being in it, it has emerged.