Last bit of sausage forced to watch as rest of breakfast eaten before him

THE last bit of a sausage has been forced to watch his fellow breakfast ingredients being devoured in front of him.

Getting ready to go out much more fun than going out

GETTING ready for a night out is infinitely more fun than going out, scientists have confirmed.

Racist grandpa branches out into sexism

A RACIST grandfather has added casual misogyny to his repertoire, family members have confirmed.

Commuter finally snaps and starts pretending to be a train

A COMMUTER has finally snapped after years of rail strikes and now believes he is a train.

Greedy, aspirational parents make token noises to child about sharing

A PAIR of corporate lawyers are secretly delighted that their son has ignored everything they tell him about sharing his toys.

Kind, concerned woman constantly telling friends they look hellish

A KIND, concerned woman spends most of her time telling her friends how tired and shit they look.

Londoners reassured that air pollution is trendy

TOXIC air is trendy and soon everyone in the provinces will want it, Londoners have been reassured.

Woman baffled by latest relationship with weirdo going tits-up

A WOMAN cannot understand why her relationships with socially dysfunctional men keep ending in disaster, she has revealed.