Afterlife 'bins day is Tuesday'

A MAN who had a near-death experience has returned with a refreshingly detailed account of the afterlife.

London twat drain great for provinces

PROVINCIAL cities have hailed the capital’s boom in knobhead jobs as the best thing that's ever happened to them.

Alpha male 'just a thing some men think they are'

MEN who believe they are alpha males are deluded, it has emerged.

People who do worthwhile things have shit clothes and hair

INDIVIDUALS who achieve useful things don't care about looking or smelling good, it has been confirmed.

Victoria Line filled with people who feel like liquid concrete

LONDON’S Victoria tube line is once again full of people whose lives are solidifying slowly into a large grey slab.

Citizen's arrest 'only works in The Dukes of Hazzard'

THE 'citizen's arrest' is just a plot device from 80s TV series The Dukes of Hazzard, it has emerged.

Facebook exodus begins

YOUNG people have begun leaving Facebook in the hope of finding a better virtual life elsewhere.

Low crime rates mean benefits too high, say confused right-wingers

CRIME will continue to fall as long as benefits remain too generous, according to right-wingers who don’t know what they want anymore.