Hospital Cleaners Help Kill Off Greedy Pensioners

HOSPITAL cleaners create £10 of value for every £1 they are paid because they help kill off thousands of people who would otherwise be claiming a state pension, according to new research.

Britain Deciding Which Souvenir To Hurl At Brown

BRITAIN was last night pondering which model of a famous building it would throw at Gordon Brown's head.

Rich Early Favourites In Battle Against Poor

LABOUR'S bid to engineer a battle between rich and poor will almost certainly result in a resounding victory for the rich, it was claimed last night.

Poor People Are So Tedious, Say Experts

A THINK tank researching poverty in the UK has found that people living below the breadline are dreadfully boring.

Internet Porn Safety Lessons To Replace Maths

MATHS will finally be dropped from the school curriculum so that children can be taught the safest way to find pornography on the internet.

Christmas Markets 'Are Trojan Horse For Nazi Invasion'

TRADITIONAL German Christmas markets are the vanguard of a massive Nazi invasion, it was claimed last night.

UK Children Approaching Maximum Thickness

BRITAIN'S children are now just two years away from maximum thickness, according to the latest exam statistics.

London Awash With Ponces

A NEW report into the trauma of travelling by tube has revealed that London is awash with whining ponces.