Al Jolson To Be Exhumed And Slapped About A Bit

THE corpse of legendary entertainer Al Jolson is to be exhumed and given a right good slap, it emerged last night.


Angry Parents Forced To Spend Six Hours Tobogganing

PARENTS reacted angrily yesterday after it was revealed they had been forced to spend all day with their children for no reason.


Millions Of Snowbound Workers About To Discover Jeremy Kyle

SNOWBOUND workers across Britain are today expected to encounter the Jeremy Kyle Show for the very first time.

Under 15s 'Should Not Be Allowed To Fly Planes'

CHILDREN under the age of 15 should never be allowed to fly a passenger jet, not even for five minutes, according to the chief medical officer.

Grandparents Advised To Gay It Up A Bit

ELDERLY couples who are hoping to adopt their grandchildren are being advised to gay it up a bit.


Police Remain Institutionally Stupid

DESPITE a decade of extra investment and training Britain's police remain institutionally stupid, according to a major new report.

Thousands Discover They Are Result Of Inbreeding

THOUSANDS of people logged on to the 1911 Census yesterday, stared at the screen for two minutes and then ran from the room with a look of sickened horror.

Councils To Position Skip Full Of Shit Outside Your House

COUNCILS across Britain are to save millions of pounds by placing a massive skip full of rotting chicken carcases and used incontinence pants at your front door.