London Awash With Ponces

A NEW report into the trauma of travelling by tube has revealed that London is awash with whining ponces.

Most Children Now Raised By Goats

MOST British children are now being raised by goats, dogs, rats and monkeys, according to new research.

New Campaign Urges Teens To 'Get Up The Spout In Ilfracombe'

THE seaside resort of Ilfracombe is to place teenage pregnancy rates at the heart of its economic development strategy.

Town Bids To End Pine Needle Carnage

A TOWN council is hoping to end the carnage caused by stray pine needles by replacing its traditional 20ft Christmas Tree with a photograph of Kermit the Frog.

Police Creating Army Of Super-Villains

POLICE arresting suspects to gain their DNA are hoping to breed a new species of super-criminal in a bid to increase overtime payments, it emerged last night.

City Boss To Be Irrumaboed In Prison

A CITY financier accused of sending obscene Latin messages to a work experience girl could soon find himself being irrumaboed and pedicaboed 24 hours a day, it was claimed last night.

Networking Sites Need 'Boring Tit' Buttons

SOCIAL networking websites have been criticised for not introducing a help button for users to report awful, boring tits.

Scientists Perfect Female Low Self-Esteem Pill

A NEW female sex pill will make women feel sufficiently worthless to embroil themselves in a series of demeaning one-night-stands with unbearable men, it was claimed last night.