Women Still Face Discrimination, Says Jumped-Up Cow

POSITIVE discrimination is the only way to help women achieve success in the workplace, some jumped-up cow said yesterday.

Back To The Brothel For Primark T-Shirt Kids

FORMER Primark child workers were last night back at work in the backstreet brothels of Calcutta after being rescued from a life of t-shirt embroidery by Western campaigners. 

Dog Owners Forced To Wear Brown Star

DOG owners who allow their pets to foul in public areas will be forced to wear a brown star and be banned from marrying non-dog owners.

Millions Save Money With Carlsberg Draughtmaster™

RETAIL sales rose to record levels last month as consumers spent millions of pounds on money saving devices.

Crime Is Just Awful, Says Government

CRIME is awful and criminals are ghastly, the government said last night.

Gay Men And Straight Women Both Like Cock, Says Study

THE brains of gay men and straight women are very similar, particularly their love of cocks, experts said last night.

Drivers Urged To Panic

DRIVERS were last night urged to go apeshit crazy, as everything went tits up.

Most British Children Now Demons

MORE than half of all British children are demons whose souls have been devoured by Satan, according to a new study.