BA Staff Condemn Customers To Christmas With Their Families

STRIKE action by BA staff may force thousands of passengers to spend Christmas with their unbearable families, it emerged last night.

Twitter Users Dare You To Even Think It

JUST say whatever it was you were going to say and then let's see what happens next, Twitter users warned last night.

BNP Question Time To Replace Christmas For Guardian Readers

THE British National Party's annual appearance on Question Time is set to become the new festive season for Guardian readers.

Church Of Scientology Guilty Of Acting Like A Church

A FRENCH court's decision to fine the Church of Scientology for making outrageous promises based on absolutely nothing last night sent shockwaves of fear through the world's major religions.

Census To Be Very Dirty

THE 2011 census will be ever so mucky, ministers pledged last night.

Bullshit Schools Must Teach Other Bullshit Accurately

INDEPENDENT faith schools have been warned that differing types of voodoo must be taught with the same accuracy as their own brand of mojambo.

Robot Checkout Staff Will Gossip Against Humanity, Say Experts

NEW supermarket till robots could start bitching about the human race behind our backs, according to artificial intelligence experts.

New fathers reluctant to spend time with constantly screeching bag of shit

NEW fathers are failing to use their legal entitlement to paternity leave because they do not want to spend all day with a noisy shit fountain, according to new research.