Entire UK Population Fails Citizenship Test

NO-ONE in the UK has passed the government's tough new citizenship test, with 85% of the country claiming that Winston Churchill is an artificial dog.

Charity Believes Everything Teenagers Say

A CHARITY set up to protect teenagers from bullying cannot tell when it is being lied to, it emerged last night.

Young Unemployed To Be Trained As Daytime TV Monitors

GRADUATES and school leavers are to be paid to monitor television between the hours of Trisha and Home & Away in a government bid to cut unemployment.

Dinner Party Craze For Premium Strength Lager

A NEW range of boutique 18% lagers are becoming the drink of choice for sophisticated urban professionals who really like a fight.

Scarface To Be Tolerated

MANIAC drug dealer Tony 'Scarface' Montana today welcomed moves to tolerate his murderous insanity.

Record Numbers In Denial About British Seaside

THOUSANDS of recession-hit holidaymakers are planning to ignore the rain, used condoms and one-eyed donkeys this summer in a desperate attempt to enjoy the great British seaside.

Working Class Lottery Money To Be Invested In Kerry Katona

THE National Lottery can do more to benefit its predominantly working-class players by giving lots of money to Kerry Katona, ministers said yesterday.

Parents To Get Buck-Passing Charter

PARENTS are to be given the right to make a formal complaint about the fact they are raising a little shit.