Police Blunder Reveals Secret Plan To Beat You Senseless

ONE of Britain's most senior police officers has resigned after accidentally revealing a secret plan to beat the hell out of you.

Lah-Di-Dah Public Schoolboys Not So Fancy All Of A Sudden

LAH-DI-DAH ponces who talk all proper are about to find out what life is like in the real world now their fancy school has shut down, it was claimed last night.

Primary Schools To Admit Chickens

EDUCATION secretary Ed Balls has called on primary schools to allocate places to baby chickens in a bid to improve results.

I Take My Coffee Black - Like My Women, Says Queen

BUCKINGHAM Palace has ended months of speculation after announcing that the Queen is gay with a fondness for tall, powerful black women.

An Excellent Day All Round, Say Media, Police And Anarchists

A GATHERING in central London was enjoyed greatly by all who took part, the organisers have confirmed.

What's A Physics? Ask GCSE Pupils

CONCERNS have been raised over the standard of science teaching after it emerged thousands of GCSE pupils could not tell the difference between a microscope and a frog.

Archbishop Of Canterbury Talks Himself Out Of A Job

THE Archbishop of Canterbury talked himself out of a job last night.

Is Ofcom Run By Poofters?

CONCERN was growing last night that Ofcom, the media watchdog, is being run by a bunch of nancy-boy poofters.