Voters warn of weird school smell

SCHOOL halls being used as polling stations have an overpowering childhood stench, it has been claimed.

Man realises too late that house party actually election party

A HORRIFIED man has realised the party he promised to attend tonight will be spent watching David Dimbleby and Andrew Neil.

Sitting alone in car parks confirmed as top leisure activity

MOST adults spend more then ten hours a week slumped in stationary cars hiding from their miserable lives, it has emerged.

Biggest dickhead from school now doing MMA

THE biggest dickhead you grew up with is now claiming to be a mixed martial arts fighter.

Bank Holiday refreshes workers’ loathing of jobs

A THREE-DAY weekend has reinvigorated workers’ resentment of the shit they have to do for money.

Britain demands the abolition of small talk

BRITAIN has condemned small talk as idiotic and pointless and called for its immediate abolition.

'Prick' replacing 'bellend' as insult of choice

USE of the insult ‘prick’ is at its highest level since the late 1980s, researchers have found.

Church to invest in something other than oil or poor people

THE Church of England is to sell its shares in fossil fuel companies and continue to not give that money to the poor.