Society

Seven year-olds to be taught how to end relationships via text

PRIMARY schoolchildren are to be educated in ending relationships by text, email, and Skype.

Carnival offers annual opportunity to trash Notting Hill

NON-RESIDENTS of Notting Hill are looking forward to this year’s chance to destroy the affluent London borough with impunity.

Middle classes ask if they can stop shopping at Aldi now

THE middle class shoppers who switched to budget supermarkets have wondered if they can switch back soon.

Woman’s hair has too much attitude

A 25-YEAR-OLD woman’s punk-influenced hair has been verbally abusing her family.

Single people forced to join families

UNMARRIED people are to be forced into strangers' family homes as long-lost aunts or uncles, the government has announced.

Rail fares to increase by two inflations and a pay rise

RAIL fares will increase by inflation times two, plus the pathetic little pay rise you are probably not going to get anyway.

20,000 students to study something they’ve never heard of

A RECORD number of students are to study subjects they just found out existed.

Britons descend on Riyadh with average cars

HUNDREDS of Britons have made the traditional summer trip to Saudi Arabia to show off their average cars.