Society

Smackhead breaks walking speed record

HEROIN addict Tom Logan has reached a walking speed of 18 miles per hour while going to score.

All Christmas leave already booked

YOU cannot have any time off at Christmas because everyone else has already booked theirs, it has emerged.

Girls on shoulders refusing to get down

HUNDREDS of women are still being carried around on mens' shoulders as they leave Glastonbury.

‘Socialising’ means getting pissed

THE term ‘socialising’ actually means drinking heavily, it has emerged.

Nice girls pretending to look forward to Glastonbury

WELL-GROOMED young women who do not take drugs are pretending to be excited about attending Glastonbury Festival.

Dad decides not to leave children his Ikea furniture and DVDs

FATHER-OF-TWO Tom Booker has decided his children will not inherit his personal fortune of two Billy bookcases, some DVDs and a broken cross-trainer.

Manchester-Leeds train link to revolutionise fighting

A HIGH-SPEED train service will halve the time it takes to commute between Leeds and Manchester for a fight.

Old car overtakes new cars

A VEHICLE more than 14 years old passed several newer and more powerful cars on the M4 yesterday.