Birmingham ‘only city shit enough’ for Londoners

LONDONERS are leaving the capital for Birmingham because it is the only city in Britain unpleasant enough for them to cope with.

Child visits terrifying house where they turn off the telly

A 10-YEAR-OLD boy has visited a real-life house of horrors where the television is sometimes turned off for hours at a time.

Londoner baffled by building used for its original purpose

A LONDONER is struggling to come to terms with a wonderful Victorian building in his area that is still serving the purpose for which it was built. 

‘Liberal elite’ is anyone who has voluntarily read a book

THE ‘liberal elite’ consists of anyone who has read a book out of choice, Theresa May has confirmed.

Man loves banging on about how f**ked things are

A MAN gets a weird self-righteous buzz from talking about how screwed everything is.

Woman gets kick from rattling cat food box and then not feeding cat

A WOMAN enjoys shaking her cat’s food box to make it run into the house and then not feeding it.

Joking that neighbour can clean your car next to incur three-point penalty

ASKING someone washing their car to ‘do yours next’ is now illegal.

Greasy spoon unsure whether it is ironic

A CAFE that serves cheap food to hungover hipsters can’t figure out if it is incredibly cool or just convenient.