Arsehole had really nice ancestors

A TOTAL bastard had kind and decent ancestors, genealogists have discovered.

People being scared of your dog not the same as them respecting you

OWNING a large muscular dog does not make you a well-respected community figure, it has been confirmed.

Tree surgeons taking all the women

MANLY but sensitive tree surgeons are making too many women fall in love with them, it has been claimed.

Man has no career aspirations

RETAIL worker Stephen Malley has no desire to do a job other than the one he is already doing.

Strikes supposed to be annoying, say Tube drivers

LONDONERS complaining that the Tube strike is frustrating have been reminded that is the point.

Horrible couple work out they will be precisely £184.51 better off

A VILE, grasping couple have done post-budget calculations to work out exactly how much more money they will get.

Boundary of North decided by measuring Kent resident's lip curl

THE government is to decide where the North begins by putting a Kent man on the train to Leeds and measuring his disdain.

You will be judged on approach to M25 from M4, warns God

MORTALS will be judged on whether they choose to jump the queue for the M25, God has confirmed.