Society

Britain to dig massive tunnel for no reason whatsoever

BRITAIN is to dig a tunnel through the Pennines because it was unable to come up with anything else.

Bowling only of interest to show-offs

TRIPS to bowling alleys are always organised by men who want to show off, it has emerged.

Polish man accused of deluging village

A POLISH man is overwhelming a village in Cornwall, it has been claimed.

Russell Brand’s revolution to consist mainly of nutters

THE vanguard of Russell Brand’s revolution will be people who are out of their minds, it has been confirmed.

Cold-calling divorce lawyers promise compensation for bad marriages

DIVORCE lawyers are making unsolicited calls to ask if you have suffered a marriage, relationship or children that are not your fault.

Soup claiming to be a full meal

SOUP is continuing to insist it is a main course despite barely functioning as a starter.

Afterlife only for animals

ONLY animals go to Heaven, it has emerged.

Paranoia now part of national identity

BRITAIN'S national character now includes the belief that everything is an evil conspiracy.