Society

‘Shit’ only accurate word for trains

BRITAIN’S train services are impossible to describe without an excrement comparison, it has emerged.

Anyone throwing confetti goes straight to hell, say vicars

VICARS have informed wedding guests that throwing confetti on church ground means eternal damnation.

Builders must whistle at men too

LECHEROUS builders who wolf-whistle at women must now behave similarly towards men.

UK just wants normal telly back

ORDINARY Britons have demanded politicians stop being on the television.

Britain’s economy realises it’s just a load of bullshit

BRITAIN’S economy has slowed after it realised it was living in a fantasy world.

Stealing a car now less hassle than hiring one

BRITISH holidaymakers have been advised to steal a car rather than trying to rent one.

Guardian backs campaign to reclaim Brixton from Guardian readers

THE Guardian has condemned the middle-class gentrification of Brixton by its own readers.

Real-life Hulk only transforms when on hold to call centres

A MAN who turns into the Hulk has revealed it never happens when he actually needs it.