Epiphany means shit presents can be listed on Ebay

MILLIONS of unwanted presents are being listed online to commemorate Jesus’s parents flogging their gifts from the wise men.

2015 already written off

THE current year has been abandoned as a waste of everyone's time after just five days.

Rail price increases make c-word go mainstream

THE announcement of increased train ticket prices has caused millions to use the strongest possible expletive.

Christmas summarised with a single grunt

BRITONS are describing their Christmas break to each other using a single semi-intelligible sound.

Cheap oil to create stinking, cancerous, gridlocked utopia

THE plummeting oil price will create a perfect world of traffic jams and a foul-smelling greyish-green fog.

Drunken mob roaming nation looking for carol service

A MOB of more than 400,000 drunks is staggering around the UK searching for a carol service to bellow at.

F**king five-year-old wants f**king iPad for Christmas

A CHILD of five has asked Santa Claus for a f**king £400 iPad in his Christmas stocking.

Prescription drugs cause liberal outburst

A COMMITTED racist and homophobe has blamed pain-killing medication for a string of cogent arguments in favour of multi-culturalism and gay rights.