Laptop user going to tough it out through cafe's busy period

A LAPTOP user in a cafe is determined to see off lunchtime customers who actually buy food.

Indian takeaway includes bag of disgusting-looking 'salad' for some reason

AN INDIAN takeaway includes a small white plastic bag of hideous-looking chopped vegetables for some unknown reason.

31-year old unsure if she is a 'millennial' or some other bullshit thing

A WOMAN in her early thirties has no idea if 'millennial' is the right bullshit label for her.

'Quiet night in' means exactly that once you hit 40, confirm experts

‘HAVING a quiet night in’ is as mind-numbingly dull as it sounds once you reach 40, experts have confirmed.

Woman in supermarket spends 20 minutes staring at Sugar Puffs to avoid small talk with neighbour 

A WOMAN spent 20 minutes staring at breakfast cereal in a supermarket to avoid making small talk with a neighbour she does not really know very well.

Man discovers surname means ‘he who masturbates moles’

AN AMATEUR genealogist has discovered that his surname derives from an ancestor’s habit of masturbating woodland animals.

Brexiter not happy until Europe a smouldering ruin

A MAN who everyone thought would be happy about Brexit will not be satisfied until the rest of the EU is in ruins, it has emerged.

Social mobility hampered by mutual loathing between classes

SOCIAL mobility in the UK is prevented by our utter loathing of anyone even slightly above or below us on the social ladder, a report has found.