Society

Advert banned for implying children are normal

A SUPERMARKET advert has been banned for suggesting children like beef burgers more than lettuce.

People know the most dickheads aged 29

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that your circle of dickheads is biggest in your late twenties.

Even shit jobs depend on cronyism

JOBSEEKERS need family connections just to get work sweeping up fish entrails, it has emerged.

Convertible drivers sick of it now

OWNERS of open-top cars are secretly aware that the novelty has worn off.

84 per cent think WW1 was fought against Martians

MOST Britons think World War One involved extraterrestrials in massive tripods, it has emerged.

National Orgasm Day followed by National Avoiding Eye-Contact Day

THE celebration of National Orgasm Day has been followed by a day of changing the subject, turning over and pretending to go to sleep.

Scotland bursting at seams with dreary show-offs

SCOTLAND has been overwhelmed by boring, self-obsessed people with something to prove.

Gatwick employs extra surly layabouts

GATWICK has doubled its staff of surly baggage-flingers.