All fiction banned in case some moron thinks it is real

FICTION-BASED books, films and television programmes have been banned to avoid confusing idiots.

Woman 'only drinks champagne' because she's a nightmare when pissed

A WOMAN who acts like a sophisticated occasional drinker only does it because alcohol turns her into a raging psychopath, it has emerged.

New housemate excited to reveal own personal brand of lunacy

A WOMAN who managed to act normal during a 20-minute interview for a room in a shared house cannot wait to reveal how insane she is.

Bastard neighbour builds much better snowman

A FATHER is feeling inadequate after his bastard next-door neighbour built a far superior snowman.

Bus driver wrongly thanked for bus journey

A BUS driver has been wrongly thanked at the end of a bus journey, it has emerged.

Future generations to wonder why ancestors built Stonehenge A303 tunnel

FUTURE generations will walk around the Stonehenge A303 road tunnel wondering why it was constructed, it has been confirmed.

Woman opposed to anything that makes world a better place

A WOMAN dislikes anything and anyone that tries to improve the world, it has emerged.

Plumber making men feel inadequate for not knowing plumbing

A PLUMBER regularly humiliates men in their own homes because they do not understand plumbing, it has emerged.