Man who bangs on about 'living in the present' actually just skint

A MAN who keeps talking about ‘living in the present’ is actually just really fucking skint, it has been confirmed.

Doorway voted number one place to stand by toddlers

THE doorway is the best place to stand so that you block everyone's exit, according to toddlers.

Woman makes three-course meal from crumbs found in bra

A WOMAN has managed to create a lavish dinner comprised entirely of the food remnants collected in her bra during the day.

Couple who spent all day cleaning dishonestly apologise for mess

A COUPLE who spent all day cleaning their house have pretended they think it’s like a pig sty.

Man beats capitalism by adding smoothie to Boots Meal Deal

A MAN has taken down capitalism by adding an expensive smoothie to his Boots Meal Deal, it has been confirmed.

Dad turns on mobile for second time this year

A FATHER has switched on his mobile phone and then immediately switched it off again ‘to save the battery’, it has emerged.

Relationship enters 'what shall we have for dinner?' phase

A COUPLE have recognised that their conversation is now mainly about what to eat for their tea.

Woman convinced dyeing her hair green will fix everything

A WOMAN is certain that a radical new hair colour will solve all her problems, it has emerged.