Friend from university is an arse now

A MAN who bumped into an old university friend has discovered that he is now a total dickhead.

Middle class family planning incredibly lame ethical Halloween

A MIDDLE class family is celebrating Halloween in a way that is respectful to witches and does not involve sweets.

Teacher unsure about getting smashed eighth night running

A TEACHER unsure if he can manage an eighth straight night of drinking acknowledged that half-term gives him little choice.

Homeless man looking a bit down today for some reason

A HOMELESS man who is usually upbeat seems a bit down today and no one’s quite sure why.

Brexiters struggling to think of anyone they like  

FANATICAL Brexit supporters are hard-pressed to think of any group in society they do not hate, they have admitted.

Mother politely asked to breastfeed in skip

A MOTHER breastfeeding in a shop was politely asked to go and do it in a nearby skip instead.

Calais migrants relocated to UK’s fevered imagination

THOUSANDS of migrants from the Calais 'Jungle' camp have been relocated into the minds of paranoid Britons.

Man’s luxury watch successfully impresses fellow twats

A MAN’S ludicrously expensive wristwatch has gained him the respect of other total bellends, he has revealed.