POSTCARDS featuring traditional red phoneboxes must now show they are exclusively used for sex, drugs and public urination.
ED Miliband will take money from pensioners so he can bribe students who are going to vote Labour anyway.
MORE unlikeable people than ever before are gaining promotion at work, it has emerged.
MODERN men have been warned that their fathers could easily kick the shit out of them.
BINGE drinkers are highly sensitive intellectuals coping with the inherent pain of human existence, it has emerged.
THE Daily Mail will never get over the novelty of privately educated people making bad decisions, it has been confirmed.
PEOPLE who have yet to watch Adam Curtis's Bitter Lake have been banned from expressing views on anything.
LOCAL council chief Tom Logan has responded to criticism of his immense salary by confirming he is one lucky mediocre bastard.