Procrastinator discovers this is the best he can do

A MAN is recovering from the realisation that he is no better even if he tries really hard.

Colleague ready to get pissed at moment’s notice

AN OFFICE colleague is ready to go and get hammered at literally a second’s notice, his co-workers have confirmed.

Sensitive Northern student finds spiritual home in foppish South

AN 18-YEAR-OLD from Wigan who prefers reading books to fighting has discovered a wonderful land of soft Southerners who enjoy similarly effeminate pursuits.

Grammar schooling to reintroduce concept of ‘riff-raff’

THE government is to bring back the term ‘riff-raff’, which will be used to describe the sort of children not welcome at new grammar schools.

Man on train has actually paid for a seat for his bag

A MAN on a crowded train has actually bought a ticket for the bag on the seat next to him.

Deadbeat uncle still thinks he is cool uncle

A DEADBEAT uncle mistakenly believes he is a cool uncle, it has emerged.

School uniform row has something for every idiot

A ROW over school uniforms has delighted a wide range of idiots across the UK.

Everyone quite capable of taking drugs at home

BRITONS do not need to go to a nightclub to take drugs, it has been confirmed.