Society

Most social attitudes 'stupid and confused', finds Social Attitudes Survey

MOST Britons believe in stupid contradictory bullshit that is impossible to analyse, a survey has found.

Britons physically incapable of having just one drink

MOST Britons cannot possibly have just one drink, researchers have confirmed.

Cat 'f**king livid' after human managed to walk up behind it

A CAT is incandescent with rage after his finely-honed hunting instincts failed to detect a man walking up behind him.

Glass of red wine about to be placed on carpet by idiot

AN idiot is moments away from placing a glass of red wine on her friend's carpet, it has been confirmed.

Man just going to ignore new girlfriend’s belief in reincarnation

A MAN is sure his new relationship will be fine if he simply ignores his partner’s beliefs about reincarnation.

Big beard and tattoos no longer a sign that you're hard

HAVING a big beard and an arm full of tattoos is no longer a sign that you would be handy in a fight.

Houseguest paralysed by indecision over flushing toilet in middle of night

A MAN who is staying with friends has found himself paralysed by indecision after using the lavatory in the middle of the night.

Third bottle of wine 'always a bad idea for wide variety of reasons', say experts

THE opening of a third bottle of wine is always the point at which everything goes horribly wrong, research has found.