Cheryl Cole fighting evil younger self from parallel universe

CHERYL Cole's feud with former protegé Cher Lloyd has been exposed as a trans-dimensional conflict for the future of the Earth itself.

Parking fines replaced by kick in testicles

TRAFFIC wardens in England and Wales are to be given new powers to kick motorists in the groin.

Cameron to make being drunk much safer

DAVID Cameron is to launch a series of initiatives that will make being paralytic much safer and more convenient.

Warsi released from box again

DAVID Cameron has let Baroness Warsi out of her box again.

Men discover florist that also sells fuel

HUSBANDS and boyfriends have been flocking to charming little flower shops that also have petrol.

Steiner schools blamed for this hat

THE Waldorf-Steiner education system is responsible for a piece of headgear that offends all aesthetic sensibilities, it has been claimed.

Bikes and cars fundamentally incompatible

THE combination of pedal-based transport and motor vehicles on roads is utterly insane, it has been confirmed.

Guardian-reading teacher suspended for tedious Facebook timeline

A TEACHER has been suspended after using her Facebook Timeline to expose pupils to the minutiae of her Guardian reading habits.