'Abandoned' child probably just a set-up for annoying YouTube thing

A DISTRESSED child in a park is probably just pretending for some YouTube clip about whether people are compassionate.

Wales begs Scotland to stay

WALES has begged Scotland not to leave it trapped in the UK with those two other mad bastards.

Sham marriages better than real ones

THE 7,500 fake marriages conducted in the UK are happier and more likely to last than genuine marriages, according to inspectors.

Everybody Hitler

YOU and everyone you know is Adolf Hitler, it has been confirmed.

Hedgehog announced as fashion animal for 2014

HEDGEHOGS are the fashion industry's latest animal muse.

Capitalist overlords behind budget cooking trend

BRITAIN'S capitalist overlords are secretly orchestrating the trend for nutritious low-cost recipes.

Mail sacks Dacre, hires de Botton

THE Daily Mail has sacked long-time editor Paul Dacre and replaced him with the philosopher Alain de Botton.

Shitness of bus travel unaffected by floods

THE general woefulness of bus travel has remained unchanged by the recent extreme weather.