BRITAIN’S schools are to focus on the key subjects of values, awareness and cultural identity.
MOST speeches at christenings, graduation ceremonies and conferences now end with the speaker inviting any haters to fuck themselves.
A £60 fixed penalty will be introduced for anyone texting while under the influence of alcohol.
LONDON’S homeless are to be dealt with using birds of prey.
THE Birmingham schools accused of teaching Islamic extremism had To Kill a Mockingbird on their syllabus, OFSTED has revealed.
THE British judicial system has seen unprecedented demand for tickets for the upcoming secret trial of two unnamed terrorists.
THE veterans of D-Day have marked the 70th anniversary by thanking Britain for becoming shallow and worthless.
ATTRACTIVE people who only hang out with other good-looking individuals are dicks, it has emerged.