Gambler has sick, empty feeling about next horse

A COMPULSIVE gambler has placed his next bet according to the churning sense of impending doom in his stomach.

Users of medieval language to receive medieval punishments

ANYONE using faux-medieval phrases like 'Methinks' or 'good Sir' is to be given medieval punishments like the rack and the Iron Maiden.

Vegetarians developing 'pulled' cabbage

VEGETARIANS are developing 'pulled' versions of their idea of food.

Racists no longer bothering to say ‘I’m not a racist, but…’

RACISTS feel it is now socially acceptable to just come straight out with it.

Sleazy men ‘just doing a character’

BRITAIN’S sleazy men have confirmed that they are just performing as their amusingly ribald alter egos.

Idiot right by chance

A COMPLETE idiot holds an opinion that is correct entirely due to luck, it has emerged.

Urban explorer fascinated by quite boring places

AN urban explorer has admitted being strangely fascinated by dull places such as store rooms, telephone exchanges and water pumping stations.

Britain still pretty good at Pot Noodle

BRITAIN continues to lead the world in noodle rehydration, it has been confirmed.