Increasingly debauched jubilee celebrations enter second week

BRITAIN has been warned to wind down its jubilee partying, with many celebrants now having been seven nights without sleep.

Royals back at their shit office jobs

MEMBERS of the royal family are gutted to be back at their desks after a four-day break, it has emerged.

Squid monster attack doesn't stop Jubilee fun

MILLIONS of Britons turned out for the Queen's four-day celebrations, undaunted by the 500-foot mutant squid that was destroying London.

Britons face Bank Holiday starvation threat

SUPERMARKETS have been flooded by Britons worried they might run out of food and die over the Bank Holiday weekend.

Yay woo yay the Queen woo yay

WOO, the Queen yay woo, according to lots of people.

Countdown to opening of jubilee biscuits begins

A BIG tin of biscuits bearing a stirringly patriotic design will be opened by the public in less than 72 hours.

Gary Barlow trapped in Queen's arse

SURGEONS are working to free Take That toady Gary Barlow after he became wedged inside the Queen.

Benefits claimant admits subsistence income scam

AN unemployed man is scamming the taxpayer out of £67.50 a week, it has emerged.