Society

Scientists capture person who buys fantasy-themed ornaments

THE mysterious individual who single-handedly sustained the market for pewter dragon statuettes is being held at a secure laboratory.

Conga crash claims 37

POLICE are appealing for witnesses after a conga line collision resulted in the deaths of 37 people during a retirement party.

Most betting shop regulars now multi-millionaires

THE majority of people who frequent betting shops are worth in excess of seven figures, according to new data.

'Get out of my house, you monster' Britain tells mother

BRITAIN told its mother to get the hell out of its house today after 24 hours of Machiavellian psycho-terror.


Journalists' Wives single remains unbought

A HEART-BREAKING song by the wives of Britain's journalists remains resolutely unbought, it has been confirmed.

Tube drivers in fresh bid to become more hated than footballers

UNDERGROUND train-monkeys are hoping their Boxing Day strike will make them more nauseatingly abhorrent than professional footballers.

Starbucks trashed in pre-Christmas milf brawl

NINETEEN women are in custody after the Salisbury branch of Starbucks was destroyed in Britain's biggest milf brawl.

Tax breaks to encourage two people to fantasise about killing each other

THE government is to introduce tax breaks that will encourage two people to draw up elaborate plans for murder.