PARENTS across the country are making every effort possible not to see their children's Christmas plays.
BRITAIN is desperate to see breasts except when they are being used to feed a baby, it has been claimed.
THE government is to spend almost £600 billion on the four biggest things it could think of.
THE volume of attractive wives needing immediate no-strings sexual encounters is becoming a humanitarian crisis, it has been claimed.
A GRANDMOTHER in Lancashire has begun boiling the vegetables for her Christmas dinner.
LARGE television sets have condemned their media portrayal as icons of consumerist stupidity.
A HUGELY expensive pair of bespoke jeans still resembles those worn by a Top Gear presenter, it has emerged.
ANY real-life situation involving illegal drugs is like something out of Breaking Bad, according to newspaper editors.