HAPPINESS is the result of things that actually have nothing to do with you, it has emerged.
ATHEISTS are still not that keen on socialising with people who were in the Scouts, it has emerged.
THINGS with no value have been fractionally reduced in price, making them exciting.
MOUSTACHE owners are once again 'fair game', according to thugs.
ENGLISH is evolving in the wrong direction thanks to text messaging and social media.
IN a landmark legal ruling, Jesus will receive 2.4% of total UK present sales revenue.
IMMIGRATION has fallen after people finally bothered to find out what Britain is actually like.