Happiness caused by things you're not actually involved in

HAPPINESS is the result of things that actually have nothing to do with you, it has emerged.

Atheists still not that keen on Scouts

ATHEISTS are still not that keen on socialising with people who were in the Scouts, it has emerged.

Excitement as worthless things made slightly cheaper

THINGS with no value have been fractionally reduced in price, making them exciting.

Men warned that moustache truce is over

MOUSTACHE owners are once again 'fair game', according to thugs.

Language evolving but not in a good way

ENGLISH is evolving in the wrong direction thanks to text messaging and social media.

Jesus to get percentage of Christmas sales revenue

IN a landmark legal ruling, Jesus will receive 2.4% of total UK present sales revenue.

Immigration down as foreigners finally do some research

IMMIGRATION has fallen after people finally bothered to find out what Britain is actually like.