Teenage love poet wondering what rhymes with 'boner'

14-YEAR-OLD Tom Logan is struggling to articulate his penis-based feelings in a Valentine's card.

‘Getting pissed’ craze sweeps UK

BRITONS are rushing to take part in a new craze that involves consuming alcohol and becoming drunk.

Genius children somehow becoming average adults

BRITAIN'S millions of gifted children are inexplicably growing up to become unremarkable adults.

Parents 'must have tattoos of children's names'

NEW guidelines will give social workers the power to take children into care if their parents do not have tattoos of their names.

Weathermen encouraged to lie

BRITONS would prefer it if television weather presenters gave them false hope.

Mail demands foreign aid to be spent on replacing British carpets

THE Daily Mail has called on the government to stop sending money to poor foreigners when it could be used to replace carpets right here in Britain.

Cute virals 'a form of child labour'

YOUTUBE clips of kids doing adorable things are being produced on an industrial scale.

Police get go-ahead for lager cannons

METROPOLITAN police plan to use lager cannons on dangerously sober rioters.