14-YEAR-OLD Tom Logan is struggling to articulate his penis-based feelings in a Valentine's card.
BRITONS are rushing to take part in a new craze that involves consuming alcohol and becoming drunk.
BRITAIN'S millions of gifted children are inexplicably growing up to become unremarkable adults.
NEW guidelines will give social workers the power to take children into care if their parents do not have tattoos of their names.
BRITONS would prefer it if television weather presenters gave them false hope.
THE Daily Mail has called on the government to stop sending money to poor foreigners when it could be used to replace carpets right here in Britain.
YOUTUBE clips of kids doing adorable things are being produced on an industrial scale.
METROPOLITAN police plan to use lager cannons on dangerously sober rioters.