Every ounce of fat on women's bodies now given cutesy name

THE announcement that women's double chins are to be called 'mashed mellows' means every bit of lady fat now has a cute-but-hateful name.

Children of unmarried parents to just run around doing murders

ALL children born after 2022 will be born out of wedlock, and lead a life of moral and spiritual poverty, according to research.

People with ginger hair urged to stop saying it is strawberry blonde

A RELUCTANCE to embrace gingerness is fuelling anti-ginger prejudice, it has been claimed.

Cities unsuitable for humans

CITIES work brilliantly apart from being unsuitable for humans, it has been claimed.

School discos shit even if called 'prom nights'

GLEE-STYLE 'prom nights' are just shit school discos repackaged for the gullible, it has emerged.

It is too hot to do any work, warn experts

LEADING scientists have warned Britons not to attempt doing any work today.

Aspirational Facebook photos must be posted with equally unhappy image

EVERY aspirational Facebook photo must be posted with an equally miserable picture, under new social media guidelines.