‘Soft touch’ Britain to become ‘total bastard’ Britain

THE UK is going to be a total bastard to foreigners and people in general, David Cameron has announced.

Osborne reverses polarity of pound

GEORGE Osborne hopes to fix the economy by reversing the polarity of the pound.

Cardinal's hatred of gay marriage veering towards poignant

CARDINAL Keith O'Brien's ferocious hatred of gay marriage may actually be rather sweet and sad, it has been confirmed.

Terrorism 'appealing to nerds'

NERDS are at serious risk of being recruited by terrorist groups, it has been claimed.

'Are we the jury?' jury asks judge

A JURY yesterday asked a judge if it was the jury.

Anywhere nice absolutely teeming with arseholes

THE picturesque parts of Britain are now full of utter dickbags, it has emerged.

Most people don't have any potential

THE majority of people are already doing things as well as they can, it has emerged.