Train travel complainants are Britain's fastest-growing fetish group

BRITONS are increasingly getting sexual gratification from complaining about train travel.

Professor Xavier defends free school

THE headteacher of a free school has denied it over-emphasises superpowers.

Probability of surviving today virtually zero

BRITONS must today face either the deadly weather or poisonous spiders.

Everyone assigned something to worry about

EACH household in Britain will be given a thing to be absolutely terrified about.

Retired people flooding UK with shit art

BRITAIN'S retired people are producing overwhelming amounts of poor quality artwork, experts have warned.

Most people don't understand the things they say

THE majority of people just repeat popular words and phrases without knowing what they mean.

Facebook to allow beheading videos if accompanied by inspirational quote

FACEBOOK has cleared users to post videos of decapitations alongside witty or inspirational quotes.

London property only affordable to extraterrestrials

LONDON homes are being bought up by galactic emperors after becoming unaffordable to humans.