Employers will hire any f*ckwit if they went to a fancy school

BOSSES have confirmed they want to hire people who attended fancy schools, even if they are utter morons.

Anyone going abroad assumed to be buying sex

ANYONE who leaves the UK for leisure or business is really on a sex trip, it has been decided.

Most crime entirely accidental, explain police

POLICE have explained that most so-called crimes are really just a series on unfortunate coincidences.

‘Pick up artist’ seducing stupid men

A MAN selling bullshit ‘pick-up’ lessons has worked his magic on hundreds of gullible men.

Roles assigned for office Christmas party

THE list of who will be the Drunken Bore, the Perv and Crying in the Toilets at the Christmas party has been put on the office noticeboard.

Rescue cat back at cat home under new name

A RESCUE cat has been returned to the animal shelter for his own good, according to the couple who adopted him.

Gambler has sick, empty feeling about next horse

A COMPULSIVE gambler has placed his next bet according to the churning sense of impending doom in his stomach.

Users of medieval language to receive medieval punishments

ANYONE using faux-medieval phrases like 'Methinks' or 'good Sir' is to be given medieval punishments like the rack and the Iron Maiden.