Bishops only allowed to think about hot anal sex

GAY people can become Church of England bishops if they promise to just think about boisterous anal sex with a greasy plumber.

Runaway dads ever so worried about public opinion

A LOUD chorus of tut-tutting will sort out Britain's scumbags, it was confirmed last night.

Failing schools asked how you mess up colouring-in

HEADMASTERS of failing primary schools are to be quizzed on what is so difficult about three-piece jigsaws.

Bob Crow successfully infiltrates bourgeoisie

CUNNING socialist Bob Crow has successfully completed a daring reconnaisance mission at an exclusive capitalist restaurant.

Festival-goers hoping acts won't distract from camera phone use

AS the festival season begins, there are growing concerns the events are increasingly focusing on music instead of gratuitous, ego-driven amateur photography.

Council offices to grind to whatever is slower than a halt

STRIKE action by council workers could lead to a redefinition of the concept of movement, it emerged last night.

Schools to teach celebrity romance instead of climate change

SCHOOLS in England and Wales will ditch climate change lessons for a greater focus on the two week romances between D-List celebrities.

Ofcom to clamp down on cowboy graffiti artists

INDEPENDENT regulator Ofcom has outlined plans to protect the public from the work of cowboy graffiti artists after record complaints about the standard of British vandalism.