British monarchy 'needs to be more like Game of Thrones'

THE royal family must embrace the 'fantasy saga' aspect of its nature, it has been claimed.

Train company launches less ambitious Slightly Quieter Carriage

GREAT Western Trains is to replace the quiet carriage with a new compartment where customers are asked to be just a fraction less fucking irritating than they would otherwise be.

Convicts voting Tory

PRISONERS are unanimously going to vote Conservative, it has emerged.

Lost rave tribe found beneath Hacienda

A SEMI-MYTHICAL group of troglodyte ravers has been discovered by workmen at Manchester's legendary Hacienda.

UK 'will return to Stone Age by 2014'

BRITAIN will be a prehistoric barter economy within two years, the Bank of England has predicted.

Dalai Lama goes off on one about sales calls

TIBET'S spiritual leader has delivered an extraordinary rant about the things that do his head in.

Ukulele market crashes

THE second-hand value of a beginner-level ukulele has plummeted to £1.12 after thousands simultaneously lost interest in the stringed instrument.

Border hopefuls queueing long enough to gain citizenship

THE wait at Heathrow's border control is now so long that many become full UK citizens while queueing.