Opening ceremony a 'good time to bury bad Newcastle'

THE government plans to bulldoze Newcastle while the nation's attention is on the opening of the Olympic Games.

Osborne 'to take Olympic spectators hostage'

GEORGE Osborne's plans to ransom the 80,000 spectators to the Olympics opening ceremony have been leaked.

Scotland to legalise marriage between a man and his Mars bar

SCOTTISH people will soon be able to marry their favourite high calorie snack.

Border staff to deliver world class surliness

INJUNCTION proceedings forcing border staff into work on Thursday will ensure the gruffest possible welcome for Olympic tourists, it has been claimed.

Britons would be out enjoying the sun if they weren't basically slaves

MILLIONS of Britons are thinking about what they'd be doing in the sun if they weren't busting their asses in a soulless office environment.

Cocaine euphemisms chart unveiled

THIS year's top 10 names for cocaine have been announced by leading drugs trade figures.

Tradesmen's earnings 'only untaxed until they get to the pub'

BUILDERS' cash-in-hand earnings only remain outside the tax system until they arrive at a place that sells beer, it has been claimed.

Jack the Ripper to light Olympic flame

THE enduringly popular and internationally appealing Victorian serial killer Jack the Ripper will light the Olympic flame, it has emerged.