Television's secret agenda is to make you watch more television

THE people who make television programmes have admitted that they are subtly trying to make you continue watching it.

Lunatic pays £5.6m for picture of Manchester

MENTAL health charities have condemned Christie's for allowing someone to pay over £5m for a child's drawing of a slum.

Daily Mail calls for increase in dead poor people

PRIDE of Britain the Daily Mail has today launched a new campaign for more people in the Third World to die in a ditch.

Vince Cable has been reading the papers again

VINCE Cable has predicted another economic crash after reading about it in the newspapers.

Getting angry at traffic jams makes them go away

SHOUTING obscenities while punching the dashboard during traffic jams makes them disappear, according to new research.

Government sexual health adviser to be hatchet-faced old bag

BRITAIN'S sexual health policy will be decided by 68-year-old spinster Margaret Gerving.

Lawyers to offer cut price super-injunctions

LAWYERS have been forced to cut the price of super-injunctions by up to 75 per cent after it emerged they do not really work.

Biblical apocalypse leaves much of Britain unchanged

THE End of Days has brought death, demons and pestilence to the planet, leaving many mid-sized UK towns the same or slightly better.