Maths impossible

BRITAIN'S poor numeracy is the fault of maths for being so hard, experts have claimed.

Met loaned Mystic Meg a water cannon

SUN astrologer Mystic Meg was given use of a CVT6000 police water cannon in 2007, it has emerged.

Men in hiding

THOUSANDS of men left for work at 5am this morning to avoid being proposed at.

Millions back removal of dirty hippies with whom they are in complete agreement

PEOPLE across Britain have applauded the forced removal of smelly hippies who believe exactly the same things as they do.

Transport for London unveils state-of-the-art passengers

TRANSPORT for London has unveiled the capital's new breed of innovative, non-insane public transport passenger.

Coke-fuelled orgies - now, Britain tells Murdoch

BRITAIN has warned Rupert Murdoch not to put a baby story on the front page of a Sunday tabloid ever again.

'Bring back British hand swearing'

THE traditional British V-sign is being undermined by the transatlantic 'middle finger' type of hand abuse, it has been claimed.

Dolphins reject human status

SCIENTISTS hoping to give dolphins the same rights as humans have been told to button it by the creatures themselves.