Coe smashes 'biggest bollocking' world record

LONDON 2012 has announced its first world record after Lord Coe delivered the world's biggest bollocking to his senior management team.

Britain inexplicably popular

CENSUS researchers are baffled after it emerged that nearly four million more people are choosing to live in Britain than in 2001.

Government to spend £9 billion making trains even worse

THE government has unveiled a package of annoying bullshit designed to make Britain's rail system the most painful in the world.

Olympic volunteers given rocket launchers

UNPAID workers at the Olympic site will be given surface-to-air weapons and asked to look out for anything suspicious, it has been confirmed.

Plastic shoes sold with free penis removal

MALE buyers of slip-on plastic shoes will be offered the chance to have their genitals removed at no extra charge, it has emerged.

Bull blames all its problems on testicle envy

A BULL has claimed that its species is being victimised for having testicles much larger than those of humans.

Unemployed to have arses removed 

THE unemployed are to be forced 'off their backsides' by having their buttocks cut off, it has emerged.

Cameron savours nation’s disappointment

DAVID Cameron has declared the collective misery of the nation after Andrew Murray’s defeat to be absolutely delicious.