People who don’t care about houses ‘a threat to society’

GIVING up on owning property could lead to dangerous behaviour like reading books or being interested in world events, it has been claimed.

New bullshit mum type unveiled

A WRITER has invented ‘the chillaxed mega-mum’.

Churches welcome fair-weather bastards through gritted teeth

CHURCHES are preparing a lukewarm Easter welcome for fickle Christians who turn up twice a year.

Poor people must eat gentrified burgers

FAST food outlets in poorer areas must become a bit fancy, it has been confirmed.

Wi-fi password should be screamed into guests' faces at door

HOUSEGUESTS should be greeted with the wi-fi password at maximum volume, according to new etiquette guidelines.

Dogs not overly anxious about contents of pet food

DOGS have confirmed that they are immune to pet food scares.

Everywhere to become luxury student accommodation

BRITAIN’s cities are to be levelled and replaced with fancy flats for privileged idiots with rich parents.

April Fools' pranksters can be murdered before midday

ANYONE perpetrating April Fools' Day pranks can be legally murdered before midday, experts have confirmed.