'Sadist' leaves millennial a voicemail

A MILLENNIAL has been reduced to a state of panic after discovering he had a voicemail.

Nation fully aware that exercise is good for you

BRITONS know that physical activity is good for them but they absolutely cannot be arsed, they have confirmed.

Man coincidentally befriends most attractive woman in office

A MAN has become good friends with a female colleague who also happens to be very attractive.

GCSE students 'rewarded' with tragic mum and dad meal

THOUSANDS of uncool GCSE students will be forced to endure an embarrassing meal with their parents, it has emerged.

Boring couple constantly buggering about with house

A BORING couple are constantly buggering about making pointless alterations to their house.

School holiday parents developing thousand yard stares

EVEN the hardest of parents are developing a blank gaze during the latter stages of the school holidays, it has emerged.

Stella-guzzling arsehole has strong moral stance against drugs

A MAN who regularly gets into fights while drunk would never get involved with dangerous drugs like cannabis, he has announced.

UK's first non-weird driving instructor discovered

A NON-WEIRD driving instructor  has been discovered in the UK.