ONLY animals go to Heaven, it has emerged.
BRITAIN'S national character now includes the belief that everything is an evil conspiracy.
A SPECIALIST soft play centre for hard evil kids has opened near Swindon.
A TIME capsule containing the Ebola virus, a bent iPhone 6 and a UKIP manifesto has been buried as a warning to future humans.
A COMMUNITY choir that welcomes all singing abilities would quite like it if the tuneless ones stopped turning up, it has emerged.
A BUS driver has confirmed that he welcomes passengers of all races, creeds and sexual orientations provided they do not try to pay with a note.
PASSENGERS on turbulent flights are pretending to read the in-flight magazine while inwardly shitting themselves.
NEW research has found that in any situation involving multiple humans one of them will be deliberately uncooperative.