Cocktails 'a load of stupid bullshit', confirm cocktail bar staff

COCKTAILS are nothing more than overpriced bullshit for idiots, cocktail bar staff have confirmed.

Parenting 'a doddle', confirms aunt who has been babysitting for half an hour

CHILDREN are a lot easier to look after than everyone makes out, according to an aunt who has completed a trouble-free 30 minutes.

Middle class ‘Day of Rage’ focused on poor quality of supermarket tomatoes

MIDDLE class people have spent a ‘Day of Rage’ protesting about IKEA, supermarket tomatoes and the quality of their workplace coffee.

Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse revealed as 'Stupidity'

WAR, Famine, Pestilence and Death have a fifth companion known as Stupidity, experts have discovered.

Kensington Council holds emergency wine and cheese reception

KENSINGTON and Chelsea council has called an urgent top-level meeting involving some chilled Chardonnay.

Arsehole neighbours having lovely time in garden

THE arseholes next door have been having an absolute bloody riot in their garden again, it has been confirmed.

Man quits job to give guided tours of his tattoos

A TATTOOED man has found the world so fascinated with his various tattoos that he is to make a living running tours of them.

Father’s Day not as important because dads didn't push a human through a relatively small hole

THE average Father’s Day spend is 44 per cent less than Mother’s Day because dads did not suffer between 12 and 72 hours of agony, experts have confirmed.