Man aiming for personal best in half-arsed, leave-it-to-the-last-minute speed-wrapping

A MAN is aiming for a new record by wrapping all his presents in under six minutes, less than half an hour before they are due to be opened.

Sellotape and scissors disappear on sexually-charged crime spree

THE Sellotape and scissors cannot be found because they have disappeared on a doomed, crime-packed road trip, it has emerged.

Christmas cheer so f**king infectious

AN INSUFFERABLE sense of seasonal joy is said to be highly contagious and on a merciless rampage through the nation, doctors have warned.

Man forced to carry Christmas presents round eight pubs

A MAN is furious after being given no option but to cart bulky Christmas presents on a full pub crawl.

Girlfriend of 'keen' guitarist doesn't want another homemade song this Christmas

A WOMAN whose boyfriend is a keen amateur songwriter has told him she only wants a present that has been bought in a shop, with actual money, this Christmas.  

Tossers announce plan to 'step back' from social media over Christmas

PRETENTIOUS tossers are unnecessarily announcing that they want to ‘unplug’ and ‘take a few days out’ from social media over Christmas.

Robin in garden is not dead nan visiting for Christmas

A ROBIN has confirmed he is not the vessel of a deceased grandparent returned to visit the family for Christmas, and is just eating some seeds.

Absolutely pathetic twats pretending to be confused by recycling

A COUPLE who claim their local recycling scheme is bafflingly complicated are actually just reactionary twats who like complaining, it has emerged.