Society

Afterlife only for animals

ONLY animals go to Heaven, it has emerged.

Paranoia now part of national identity

BRITAIN'S national character now includes the belief that everything is an evil conspiracy.

Hard kids get their own soft play centre

A SPECIALIST soft play centre for hard evil kids has opened near Swindon.

Incredibly depressing time capsule buried

A TIME capsule containing the Ebola virus, a bent iPhone 6 and a UKIP manifesto has been buried as a warning to future humans.

Inclusive community choir secretly hoping the shit ones will quit

A COMMUNITY choir that welcomes all singing abilities would quite like it if the tuneless ones stopped turning up, it has emerged.

Bus driver only discriminates against people who do not have the exact fare

A BUS driver has confirmed that he welcomes passengers of all races, creeds and sexual orientations provided they do not try to pay with a note.

Violent winds prompt everyone on flight to stare intently at the magazine

PASSENGERS on turbulent flights are pretending to read the in-flight magazine while inwardly shitting themselves.

Someone always has to be difficult, confirm scientists

NEW research has found that in any situation involving multiple humans one of them will be deliberately uncooperative.