Society

Literal surnames to be reintroduced

MEDIEVAL-STYLE surnames that describe a person’s job or characteristics are to be brought back, the government has announced.

Tattooists asked to switch back to Chinese

TATTOO artists have been told to go back to using foreign languages by observers horrified by the trite sentiments of modern tattoos.

Thirtysomethings make half-hearted plan to meet up

SOME friends in their mid-thirties have made a vague, doomed plan to have a drink.

Smackhead breaks walking speed record

HEROIN addict Tom Logan has reached a walking speed of 18 miles per hour while going to score.

All Christmas leave already booked

YOU cannot have any time off at Christmas because everyone else has already booked theirs, it has emerged.

Girls on shoulders refusing to get down

HUNDREDS of women are still being carried around on mens' shoulders as they leave Glastonbury.

‘Socialising’ means getting pissed

THE term ‘socialising’ actually means drinking heavily, it has emerged.

Nice girls pretending to look forward to Glastonbury

WELL-GROOMED young women who do not take drugs are pretending to be excited about attending Glastonbury Festival.