Boundary of North decided by measuring Kent resident's lip curl

THE government is to decide where the North begins by putting a Kent man on the train to Leeds and measuring his disdain.

You will be judged on approach to M25 from M4, warns God

MORTALS will be judged on whether they choose to jump the queue for the M25, God has confirmed.

Busker instantly regrets playing one of his own songs

TOWN centre busker Tom Booker has abandoned one of his own songs halfway through.

Geniuses just pretending not to have common sense

ACADEMICALLY exceptional people are lying about their inability to do everyday domestic tasks, it has emerged.

The Mash guide to barbecues

THE sun is shining, which means that you can only look in enviously at the comforts of your home while you chew meat in the garden.

Dolphins spoiling for a fight

DOLPHINS are vicious, brutal thugs spoiling for a fight with humanity, it has emerged.

Pompous arse taking tough stance on Greece

COMPLETE nobody Roy Hobbs is demanding tough action be taken against Greece.

Attractive people enjoying not having to be funny

ATTRACTIVE people thoroughly enjoy not having to be funny or interesting, they have revealed.