Plastic banknotes to feature Hitler

TRADITIONALISTS are in uproar after it emerged that the new plastic banknotes will carry Hitler's image.

All toys now for adults only

TOY shops are to stop under-18s from buying their goods so they can go to collectors who properly appreciate them.

London to explore ‘no airport’ option

THE commission studying London’s airport needs has been urged to consider no airports at all.

People born in 80s to spend retirement fleeing from euthanasia robots

PEOPLE now in their 30s will spend their retirement fleeing from government robots programmed to kill old people.

Parcel deliveries forcing neighbour interaction

BRITONS are having to visit neighbours because they have their Amazon stuff.

Weirdo prefers sex to internet pornography

A 28-YEAR-OLD man had admitted preferring sexual intercourse with his partner to looking at porn on the internet.

English to get benefits whether or not they speak English

ENGLISH people will continue to receive benefits even if they make no attempt to speak, read or write in English.

Students home to dump boyfriends and fix parents' broadband

THE UK's students have arrived home to get their parents' internet working and end long-term relationships.