Low turnout sees one-eyed drug boss elected as police commissioner

DISFIGURED crack dealer Stephen Malley has been elected police commissioner for Gloucestershire.

Pudsey electrified to prevent hugging

ANY child that touches Pudsey bear will get a massive electric shock, it has emerged.

Iceland mockery vital to middle class self-esteem

THE middle class would collapse into self-loathing without frozen food store Iceland to look down on, it has been claimed.

'Third class' rail carriage inspired by Hell

RAIL bosses have used ancient depictions of Hell as inspiration for a new tier of train service.

Drones feel excluded from army life

UNMANNED drones have described being made to feel 'different' and 'inferior' by army comrades.

Dragonriders ‘get most job satisfaction’

THE top career for job satisfaction is being a dragonrider in the fantasy world of Nazgar, according to a survey.

'Survival of the thickest' now a reality, say scientists

CHANGES in human evolution mean that only morons will continue to thrive, it has been claimed.