Most children don't really need to go to school, say experts

THE majority of British children should be excused from having to go to school, it has been claimed.

Everyone lying about how great their weekend was

EVERYONE in Britain will today lie like a bastard about making the most of the sunny weather.

Paper cut sparks new swear words

A VICIOUS paper cut has been the catalyst for a string of new and creative obscenities, it has emerged.

Two pairs of boxers ample for week-long journey, confirm men

ONE change of undergarments is more than sufficient to maintain comfort and hygiene for seven days, men have asserted.

Clarkson explodes

JEREMY Clarkson, the veteran broadcaster and denim enthusiast, has exploded at news of the proposed 80mph motorway speed limit.

A-Level students to be ranked by similarity to Brian Glover

A-LEVEL students should be judged on both their grades and their likeness to stout Yorkshire actor Brian Glover, it has been claimed.

Barbaric children's cage fight also entertaining

A CAGE fight between two eight year-old boys has been condemned as utterly unmissable.

Rioters summer school will have loads of stuff worth nicking

A SUMMER school for rioters will be full of tellys and tracksuits, Nick Clegg has pledged.