You’re not even in our top five worries, Londoners tell extremists

LONDON residents have told extremists that they have far more pressing things to worry about.

Lightweight drinkers unveil plans to humiliate themselves

PEOPLE with a low alcohol tolerance have outlined the ways in which they plan to humiliate themselves over Christmas.

Man considers going to bed at 2.30 in afternoon

A MAN is toying with the idea of going to bed at half past two this afternoon.

Advent chocolate dutifully choked down

YET another unpleasant chocolate from a £2 advent calendar has been ritually chewed and swallowed.

Workers 'must take Secret Santa identity to the grave'

WORKERS have been told not to disclose their Secret Santa identity on pain of death.

Man realises he is gentrification

A PECKHAM-BASED man has realised that the social transformation of the area is exemplified by him.

Elf on the shelf also judging adults

THE ELF on the shelf, who watches children to ensure they are being good for Santa, is also reporting what their parents get up to.

Britons prepare for war with brief chat at work

BRITONS are preparing for air strikes in Syria with a short, non-committal discussion at work.