Society

List of people almost given the chance to turn down honours leaked

A SECRET government list of those not quite important enough to be offered an honour they would then not accept has been published.

Bernard Manning defrosted

SEVENTIES comic Bernard Manning is being woken from cryogenic sleep after Ricky Gervais completed preparations for his return, it has emerged.

Pathological self-absorption now mandatory

EVERYONE must place themselves at the centre of the universe immediately, it has been confirmed.

Occupy record 'may have a rap in it'

THE impending first release on the Occupy movement's record label may feature a short burst of rapping, experts have warned.

OK, we'll get jobs, say poor people

BRITAIN'S poor people have finally conceded defeat and vowed to find work first thing this morning.

Ban adverts for things that don't always work, say angry people

THINGS that do not always work perfectly should not be advertised on the television, angry people have claimed.

'The real victims of phone hacking are the people who loathe John Prescott'

THE forgotten victims of the phone hacking scandal are the millions who would love to see John Prescott living under a bridge, it was claimed today.

Thanks, but we have enough money, say tube drivers

UNDERGROUND train drivers have rejected an offer of some extra money for no reason, because they are fine.