Getting something lodged in skull still best way to get on page eight of Metro

GETTING an unusual object stuck in your facebone is still the best way of starring on page eight of Metro, it has been confirmed.

Game on, say teachers

BRITAIN'S teachers absolutely cannot wait to get cracking now physical force can go unrecorded in classrooms.

Mail uses sting operation to trap its own racist bullshit

THE Daily Mail set up an elaborate 'sting' to expose its own bullshit about migrant workers, it has emerged.

Everyone shocked to realise how much they know about porn

AN adult film actor contracting HIV has prompted millions of people to suddenly realise they know the names of a least eight porn stars.

Government decides more unhappy people will help

NADINE Dorries has won her battle to fill the country with absolutely miserable people who did not want children.

Carnival gives mixed response to police sound system

THE official sound system of the Metropolitan Police has had a moderately successful first outing at the Notting Hill Carnival.

Guardian sports supplement still number one choice for lighting middle-class barbecues

THE Guardian's Weekend Sport supplement has retained its title as the number one choice for lighting middle class barbecues.

More Britons can't afford to get the hell out of here

MIGRATION figures show more Britons than ever are trapped in this godforsaken hellhole.