Pippa Middleton's arse hits new £50 note

THE design of the new £50 note will replace the first governor of the Bank of England with Pippa Middleton’s buttocks, it has been announced.

Parents braced for ill-fated days out

WITH half term looming, Britain's parents are steeling themselves for day trips that will inevitably end with at least one child weeping uncontrollably.

Saucy librarian fraud exposed

THOUSANDS of young women wearing large-framed glasses are not actually repressed nymphomaniacs, it has been revealed.

Revolution based on film based on comic

THE growing citizens' revolution across the western world is based on a Natalie Portman film that is based on a comic, it has emerged.

Dale Farm eviction brings out best in everyone

THE eviction of the Dale Farm travellers' site has really brought out Britain's good side, it has been confirmed.

Mummified cabbie won't stop talking

A TAXI driver whose dead body was mummified will not shut up, it emerged last night.

Spiritual development courses top for casual sex

WEEKEND courses on spiritual growth and healing are the foremost events for opportunistic sex, it has been claimed.

Embattled nation unites against Christmas

BRITAIN is putting aside its woes and working together in a bid to stop Christmas.