Britain finds its flaky-pastry breaking point

BRITAIN was celebrating yesterday after discovering something it actually gives a toss about.

People who prayed for Muamba not being jailed

NONE of the the people who think the baby Jesus mends broken boo-boos are in prison.

Everyone to employ personal postmen

THE latest rise in postal rates is forcing many households to hire their own surly layabout.

New festival aimed directly at twats

THE Magic Fox Vintage Smoothie Boutique Urban Forest Pop Up Chill Retreat is to be Britain's first 100 percent twat-friendly festival.

Army to provide surly 24-hour garage service

SOLDIERS are being trained to tut, sigh and then finally deliver the wrong brand of cigarettes through the sliding metal tray at 24-Hour-garages.

Bald men amazed hair loss cure isn’t bigger deal

MALE pattern baldness sufferers have discovered news of a possible cure tucked away on page 16 of their newspapers.

Britain officially a dystopia

THE arrival of televisions that can spy on you means Britain is now a fully-qualified dystopia.

45p rate 10% more avoidable, say experts

THE new 45p tax rate is 10 percent easier to avoid than the 50p rate, experts have confirmed.