TESCO has warned the people of the UK that they will pay with their lives for abandoning it.
THE Archbishop of Canterbury has given thanks to Jesus, who gave his life so that we could have not just a Monday off work but a Friday too.
MILLIONS of men are about to pretend a shaving accident caused them to remove their beard.
HIPPY parents will be giving their children drab, joyless dairy-free Easter eggs again this year, it has been confirmed.
BRITONS are currently either away or brimming with resentment, it has emerged.
TAPAS-TYPE meals are proof that the concept of sharing is overrated, it has been claimed.
CREATING an aspirational street food brand is one of a series of new scouting badges, it has been confirmed.
BRITONS who prefer weekends without expensive social obligations have opposed gay and straight marriage.