Society

Councils granted right to remove vehicles if in a tow-y kind of mood

LOCAL authorities celebrated last night after a High Court ruling gave them the right to impound cars just totally on a whim.

Everyone apologises for everything

EVERYONE has apologised for everything they have ever done, said, or spelled wrong.

No-one in a hurry to get to Birmingham

SUPPORT for the high speed rail link between London and Birmingham was muted yesterday as nobody really wants to go there.

Turd reveals maniac’s hatred of scumbag

BRITAIN is to be dipped in antiseptic after hearing the oozing testimony of Kelvin Mackenzie.

Nominations pour in for assisted suicide

DOZENS of popular candidates have emerged for the first round of semi-voluntary lethal injections.

Missing cat returns with no memory of lost days

A CAT that has returned to its owners after spending a week missing cannot recall where it has been.

Slight amendments made to New Year's resolution to quit smoking

SMOKERS who officially gave up for 2012 have announced a few clarifications regards what 'giving up' actually means.

Race named as today's thing to talk shit about

RACE has been named as today's topic about which Britain will talk angry, ill-informed shit.