Scientists baffled by job that isn’t shit

SCIENTISTS are puzzled by a man whose job is both fairly paid and does not fill him with dread every morning.

Man’s greatest ambition is to have thicker arms

A 28-YEAR-OLD man has admitted he wants nothing more from life than to have thicker arms.

Luxury apartments demolished to make way for community hall

A VIBRANT luxury development in East London has been demolished to make space for a drop-in centre for locals of all ages.

Retired ‘scabs’ return to break one last rail strike

THE government is to combat rail strikes by putting together a crack team of retired ‘scabs’.

Pizza Express tips going to radical pro-middle class group

TIPS given to waiters in Pizza Express are funding the middle class equivalent of Class War, it has emerged.

Man theoretically buys homeless person a sandwich

A WOULD-BE good Samaritan is theoretically up for buying a homeless person something to eat.

Jargon makes you sound clever, say idiots

BRITAIN’S idiots have defended their right to use jargon instead of intelligence.

Songs of Praise ‘can only be filmed in Surrey’

SONGS of Praise must always be broadcast from lovely parish churches in rural Surrey, it has been claimed.