Schools to teach values, awareness and maybe some maths and English

BRITAIN’S schools are to focus on the key subjects of values, awareness and cultural identity.

90 per cent of speeches now end with ‘f*ck all of my haters’

MOST speeches at christenings, graduation ceremonies and conferences now end with the speaker inviting any haters to fuck themselves.

£60 fixed penalty for drunk texting

A £60 fixed penalty will be introduced for anyone texting while under the influence of alcohol.

Homeless deterred with buzzards

LONDON’S homeless are to be dealt with using birds of prey.

‘Trojan Horse’ schools were teaching To Kill a Mockingbird

THE Birmingham schools accused of teaching Islamic extremism had To Kill a Mockingbird on their syllabus, OFSTED has revealed.

Secret trials now hottest gig in town

THE British judicial system has seen unprecedented demand for tickets for the upcoming secret trial of two unnamed terrorists.

D-Day veterans thank Britain for becoming so self-absorbed

THE veterans of D-Day have marked the 70th anniversary by thanking Britain for becoming shallow and worthless.

Good-looking groups of friends unable to sustain conversation

ATTRACTIVE people who only hang out with other good-looking individuals are dicks, it has emerged.