THE birth of a 15-and-a-half pound baby heralds a golden age of plenty.
PEOPLE who buy the Telegraph are demanding to have the words 'paywall', 'website' and 'internet' explained to them.
BRITAIN'S millions of internet addicts could be weaned onto less damaging drugs like LSD and ecstasy.
PARENTS have told children who misbehave that they will have to answer to Eddie Mair.
THE UK's top aspiration is to drink 14 pints without going to the toilet.
THE new press regulator will allow newspapers 24 hours to change the world to match any inaccuracies in stories.
A SUBSTANTIAL tax on bragging about your salary would be the fairest way to smash the deficit, experts have claimed.