Passport backlog blamed on everyone having different names

THE UK Passport Office has insisted there would be no backlog in applications if everyone could just have the same name.

Female scientists quit

ALL women working in science have jacked it in to become bishops.

Criticising schools ‘vital’ to shit parenting

CONSTANTLY criticising your child’s school is a vital part of being a shit parent, it has been claimed.

UK to decriminalise crap weed

THE Drugs Policy Unit has announced that the possession of poor quality cannabis is no longer against the law.

UK in deadly grip of Pimm’s

BRITAIN is reeling under an onslaught of Pimm’s-fuelled violence and disorder due to forgetting that the summer drink is alcoholic.

Vanish Tip Exchange is the new Twitter

TWITTER is being abandoned by users aged 16-24 in favour of the thriving and lawless Vanish Tip Exchange.

Public warned not to acknowledge festival wristbands

PEOPLE wearing expired festival wristbands are a limitless source of tiresome drug anecdotes, it has been claimed.

Business success based on crossing your arms

THE secret to being successful in business is posing for photographs with your arms crossed, studies have shown.