London sponsored by cocaine

LONDON is now officially sponsored by its cocaine dealers.

Life not worth looking up from your phone for

THE people, places, objects and locations that make up the physical world are not as fulfilling as smartphones, it has emerged.

Picky bastards making vague claims to have OCD

FUSSY, demanding people are hinting that they have mild OCD as a means of justifying their behaviour.

Most people go to cinema just to be annoying

THE majority of cinemagoers only do it to annoy strangers by talking and making rustling sounds, it has emerged.

Internet providers to block images of expensive shit that kids want

PARENTS have welcomed a move by broadband providers to shield children from images of desirable toys.

State school alumni dominating the boring menial jobs sector

MORE must be done to stop state school pupils monopolising all the repetitive low-paid jobs, it has been claimed.

Six-year-old writes letter calling Southern Trains money-grubbing f**ks

A SIX-YEAR-OLD girl has written a letter to a train company asking why they are such bastards.

Couple to lie about not having met on internet

A COUPLE have vowed to lie about how they met after getting together at a social gathering.