'Property ladder' replaced by 'treacherous property rope bridge'

THE metaphorical 'property ladder' is to be replaced next month by a rickety and unstable 'property rope bridge', spanning a yawning property chasm filled with property crocodiles.

Army cuts to create world-class vigilantes

THE axing of five British army battalions will create hundreds of movie-style vigilantes ready to fight crime by their own rules, the government has claimed.

Ping pong table prevents riots

THE arrival of a ping pong table at a Tottenham youth club has prevented another summer of urban riots, it has emerged.

UK to become inquiry-based economy

BRITAIN will drag itself out of recession by conducting public inquiries for cash, say economists.

Prince Charles to attend Job Centre Plus every fortnight

IN a radical overhaul of how the monarchy is funded, members of the royal family will be asked to attend a job centre every other week.

Prison escape lacks narrative drive

A real-life prison escape completely lacked the tension and excitement of Hollywood prison breaks, it has emerged.

J. Jonah Jameson appears at Leveson Inquiry

THE editor of the Daily Bugle has given evidence to the Leveson Inquiry about his newspaper's negative coverage of Spider-Man.

GCSEs to be replaced by Diploma in Mind-Bending Monotony

BUSINESS leaders have praised a new qualification that prepares students for a lifetime of servile drudgery.