Society

Turd reveals maniac’s hatred of scumbag

BRITAIN is to be dipped in antiseptic after hearing the oozing testimony of Kelvin Mackenzie.

Nominations pour in for assisted suicide

DOZENS of popular candidates have emerged for the first round of semi-voluntary lethal injections.

Missing cat returns with no memory of lost days

A CAT that has returned to its owners after spending a week missing cannot recall where it has been.

Slight amendments made to New Year's resolution to quit smoking

SMOKERS who officially gave up for 2012 have announced a few clarifications regards what 'giving up' actually means.

Race named as today's thing to talk shit about

RACE has been named as today's topic about which Britain will talk angry, ill-informed shit.

Britain really fancies a pint

MOST of Britain could cheerfully go on a three-day session after just one day back at work, it has emerged.

Mail becomes cause of and solution to racism

THE Daily Mail has today launched a five year plan to prevent exactly as much racism as it creates.

Female MPs overlooked for promotion when they pose for GQ

WOMEN MPs who get all dolled-up and pose for men's magazines are not taken seriously, experts have claimed.