Society

Average Mother's Day gift selection time rises to 3.5 seconds

THOUGHTFULNESS is on the increase across the UK with some people taking almost four seconds to choose a Mother's Day present, it has emerged.

Mail readers' heads explode in search for April Fool

THOUSANDS of heads were exploding across Britain today as people tried to work out which Daily Mail story was a hoax.

Mob seeks new thing to be angry about

ENRAGED people may be forced to return to their slightly depressing lives unless they can find a new cause, it has emerged.

Former record shop staff at large in normal society

THE closure of record shops is exposing the general public to the borderline humans that worked in them, it has emerged.

Different car shapes most appealing thing about UK town centres

BANNING cars from UK town centres would rob urban Britain of its most attractive feature, it has been claimed.

Royal wedding police unveil 'riot squad of hearts'

THE Metropolitan Police have vowed that next month's royal wedding will be a glorious pageant of tear gassed wonder.

AA repairmen still can't resist having a pop

ROADSIDE repairmen are still unable to fix your car without making some snide comment, it has emerged.

Money and objects to remain important

MONEY and the objects that can be purchased with it will continue to be everyone's top priority, it has been confirmed.