Britain to worship massive baby

THE birth of a 15-and-a-half pound baby heralds a golden age of plenty.

What's a website? ask Telegraph readers

PEOPLE who buy the Telegraph are demanding to have the words 'paywall', 'website' and 'internet' explained to them.

Internet addicts could be weaned onto drugs

BRITAIN'S millions of internet addicts could be weaned onto less damaging drugs like LSD and ecstasy.

Parents threaten children with Eddie Mair

PARENTS have told children who misbehave that they will have to answer to Eddie Mair.

Britain's aspirations mostly drink-based

THE UK's top aspiration is to drink 14 pints without going to the toilet.

Press given 24 hours to change reality to match stories

THE new press regulator will allow newspapers 24 hours to change the world to match any inaccuracies in stories.

Britain's only hope is a tax on boasting

A SUBSTANTIAL tax on bragging about your salary would be the fairest way to smash the deficit, experts have claimed.