Pope creates new saint to fight alongside him in battle against evil

THE Pope has used his canonising powers to create a new companion in his steadfast war against sin.

London buses turned into flats

LONDON’S unused buses have been sold off as luxury apartments for the mega-rich.

Cadbury warned not to tamper with whatever the f**k is inside Creme Eggs

CREME Egg fans have told Cadbury not to change that weird shit in the middle.

Birmingham now 100 percent Klingon

BIRMINGHAM has become the UK’s first all-Klingon city.

Internet haunted by ghosts of Christmas shopping past

THE unquiet ghosts of Christmas internet browsing past are haunting Britain, popping up on every website they visit.

Army to weaponise different types of gayness

GAY recruits to the armed forces will be asked what kind of gay they are so it can be weaponised.

Viewers gripped by rolling news coverage that’s mostly bollocks

TV news viewers are once again glued to screens filled with endless speculation and wild inaccuracy.

Cats’ New Year resolutions already broken

CATS have once again utterly failed to keep their resolutions to change their ways in the new year.