Squid monster attack doesn't stop Jubilee fun

MILLIONS of Britons turned out for the Queen's four-day celebrations, undaunted by the 500-foot mutant squid that was destroying London.

Britons face Bank Holiday starvation threat

SUPERMARKETS have been flooded by Britons worried they might run out of food and die over the Bank Holiday weekend.

Yay woo yay the Queen woo yay

WOO, the Queen yay woo, according to lots of people.

Countdown to opening of jubilee biscuits begins

A BIG tin of biscuits bearing a stirringly patriotic design will be opened by the public in less than 72 hours.

Gary Barlow trapped in Queen's arse

SURGEONS are working to free Take That toady Gary Barlow after he became wedged inside the Queen.

Benefits claimant admits subsistence income scam

AN unemployed man is scamming the taxpayer out of £67.50 a week, it has emerged.

65% of UK population has been on Come Dine With Me

ALMOST two-thirds of British people have appeared on Channel 4's Come Dine With Me, it has emerged.

'Keep Calm...' posters actually intensely irritating

THE current glut of 'morale-boosting' posters and tat is having the opposite-to-intended effect, it has emerged.