Social networks restricted to messages about decency

SOCIAL networks will be confined to discussions about decency, values and the glowing satisfaction of a hard day's work.

Britain reminded that Melanie Phillips is not well

BRITAIN was last night urged to avoid the schoolboy error of thinking people like Melanie Phillips may have been right all along.

Policing seems to work

HAVING a gigantic number of policemen on the streets of London does seem to prevent riots, it emerged last night.

Cash-strapped men turn gay

MEN are turning to a life of carefree homosexuality to avoid the expense of wives and children, it has emerged.

Riots caused by society or lazy, thieving pricks, say experts

THE London riots are the inevitable consequence of a society that includes some arseholes who like to steal things instead of working, experts claimed last night.

Middle class to take looting lessons

THOUSANDS of middle class people worried about job security have signed up for a two week course in looting.

Buildings with more than eight books to become universities

CHANGES to the higher education system will turn the majority of British homes into a degree-granting university, it has been confirmed.

Gadget addiction stops children from being annoying

CHILDRENS' constant use of screen-based technology is making them much less of a pain in the arse, it has emerged.