Britain declared uninhabitable

BRITAIN isĀ unsuitable for human life, the UN has declared.

Millions lucky enough to spend Christmas Day alone

SEVERAL million fortunate individuals will be enjoying peaceful solitude on Christmas Day, it has emerged.

Lots of lazy bastards have jobs

THOUSANDS of bone idle people have full-time paid employment, it has emerged.

Clever people obsessively bored with royal baby

SELF-STYLED clever people cannot stop expressing their indifference to the royal offspring, it has emerged.

Happiness caused by things you're not actually involved in

HAPPINESS is the result of things that actually have nothing to do with you, it has emerged.

Atheists still not that keen on Scouts

ATHEISTS are still not that keen on socialising with people who were in the Scouts, it has emerged.