Rooney facing six months in quarantine

WAYNE Rooney may not return from his UEFA hearing today amid fears he will be kept in quarantine for six months.

For Christ's sake just teach them, parents tell schools

PARENTS last night asked schools if there was any chance they could, for the love of God, just teach their children.

Women told to plan ahead for ill-judged drunken sex

WOMEN are being advised to prepare for the aftermath of having sex with someone they hate.

Happy Mondays 'reunion' actually just some smackheads in a park

RUMOURS of a Happy Mondays reunion have been quashed after it was revealed to be a group of heroin addicts near some swings.

Riots caused by police when they finally turned up

THE August riots were provoked by the people who were nowhere to be seen for the first two days, a study has found.

Coffee blamed for infant Italianisation

EXPECTANT mothers frequenting high street coffee shops risk passing on Italian traits to their unborn children, it has been claimed.

BBC apologises for making Piers Morgan look comparatively good

THE BBC has issued an apology after comments by Jeremy Clarkson made it possible for Piers Morgan to appear relatively human.

Appeal of little dogs remains mysterious to everyone except little dog owners

RESEARCHERS into the phenomenon of tiny dog ownership have been unable to fathom why you would want one of those things in your house.