Easter 'celebrates human victory over aliens'

THE true story of Easter closely mirrors that of the Alien films, it has emerged.

Bank Holiday fun to be outweighed by hassle

AS the Easter break looms, thousands are preparing for pleasure trips that will not quite be worth the monumental amount of bother involved.

James Murdoch denies reading resignation email

FORGETFUL former BSkyB chairman James Murdoch has claimed he had no idea he had resigned.

Totally inept losers confident they can lock down the internet

A GOVERNMENT that can barely send an email has unveiled somewhat ambitious plans to rule the web with an iron fist.

Hairy slob in cheap trousers represents 'average man'

A WHOLLY unremarkable, paunchy slob from Birmingham perfectly represents the man of today, it has been claimed.

April Fool's Day used as cover for cull of stocky men

THE government has executed thousands of thickset men following an announcement that was construed as an April Fool's Day stunt.

Angry motorist threatening to use mobile on forecourt

A CRAZED motorist is brandishing a mobile phone on a garage forecourt, it has emerged.

Anti-capitalist mouse threatening to shit on some yoghurts

A RADICAL mouse is in a nervous stand-off with security guards after threatening to defecate on some Muller yoghurts in a London Tesco.