Public sector cordially invited to suck it

BRITAIN is today extending a gracious invitation to the public sector to suck on it until they gag.

Pensions simplified into single Cup-a-Soup voucher

IAIN Duncan Smith is to simplify Britain's complex state pension system into an easy to understand voucher for powdered soup.

Tories to treat you like children too

IT is not just the Labour Party who wants to treat you like a three year-old child, it has emerged.

International Women's Day offers new chances for sex

MEN across the world are celebrating International Women's Day in the hope of having it off with a feminist.

Police cuts to hit areas where they don't do anything anyway

CUTS to police numbers will hit hardest in areas where the chances of them actually doing anything have always been remarkably slim, it has emerged.

Prescott becoming part of society, warn experts

JOHN Prescott is manoeuvring himself gradually into the mainstream of British society, it was warned last night.

Holiday to celebrate dragon-slaying or death of 2,000 Frenchmen

ENGLAND faces the choice of a national holiday to celebrate the slaying of a fictional animal by a made-up saint or the violent deaths of a great many French people.

Cupcakes will not plug gaping chasm where your soul used to be, say experts

SMALL cakes with brightly-coloured icing will not bring boundless childish glee to your meaningless existence, it has been confirmed.