Government decides more unhappy people will help

NADINE Dorries has won her battle to fill the country with absolutely miserable people who did not want children.

Carnival gives mixed response to police sound system

THE official sound system of the Metropolitan Police has had a moderately successful first outing at the Notting Hill Carnival.

Guardian sports supplement still number one choice for lighting middle-class barbecues

THE Guardian's Weekend Sport supplement has retained its title as the number one choice for lighting middle class barbecues.

More Britons can't afford to get the hell out of here

MIGRATION figures show more Britons than ever are trapped in this godforsaken hellhole.

Britain expels clever people

A GROWING number of intelligent people have been expelled from the UK for smelling weird and preferring maths to telly.

Court forced to differentiate between competing voodoo

DRUID leader King Arthur Pend... John Rothwell has had his particular brand of mojimbo dismissed by the high court.

Abstract toilet door signs creating nothing but embarrassment

TRENDY pub toilet door signs featuring abstract depictions of gender should be banned, experts have claimed.

Retirement home entry criteria 'too easy'

A RECORD number of pensioners have been granted places in care homes across Britain, amid claims the entry criteria are easier than ever.