North-South divide becoming science fiction thing

NORTHERNERS may soon be living in tunnels while those in the south grow to nine feet tall and float around, it was claimed last night.

Murdoch to show MPs footage of themselves sleeping

RUPERT Murdoch will tell the Commons Culture Committee later today that he could kill them all by merely wishing it into being.

Private investigation 'could be permanently tarnished'

PRIVATE investigators fear that the respectability of their profession may never fully recover following the News International scandal, it has emerged.

Once-apathetic nation now mildly annoyed

AS the rancid truth about Britain's puppet-masters continues to unravel, a country once sedated by telly and shiny things has become almost vaguely interested.

Guardian readers finally get excuse to buy a tabloid

THE final edition of News of the World has given liberal middle earners a long-awaited opportunity to immerse themselves in red-top squalor, it has emerged.

More people are going to read the Mail on Sunday

THE readership of the Mail on Sunday will increase, it is as simple as that, experts warned last night.

Who does Rupert Murdoch think you are?

QUESTIONS were being raised last night over exactly what kind of person Rupert Murdoch thinks you are.

Duchess of Cambridge reveals plan to spawn antichrist

SATAN worshipping royal bride the Duchess of Cambridge has spoken of her hopes for a progeny that will rule over a dark realm of endless evil.