Tube drivers in fresh bid to become more hated than footballers

UNDERGROUND train-monkeys are hoping their Boxing Day strike will make them more nauseatingly abhorrent than professional footballers.

Starbucks trashed in pre-Christmas milf brawl

NINETEEN women are in custody after the Salisbury branch of Starbucks was destroyed in Britain's biggest milf brawl.

Tax breaks to encourage two people to fantasise about killing each other

THE government is to introduce tax breaks that will encourage two people to draw up elaborate plans for murder.

Zoo to build nightclub for gay animals

A CANADIAN zoo has announced plans to construct a specialist nightclub for its homosexual animals.

Big fat Scottish guy to sort out troubled families

TROUBLED families will be helped by a great big Scottish bloke who is taking none of their shit.

High streets still the best place for a drunken fight

THE government has laid out its vision of a modern high street based around Britain's love of fighting.

Cottage of 17th century witch-columnist Elizabeth Jones discovered

STUNNED archaeologists believe they have found the ancient former home of the notorious writer and sorceress Elizabeth Jones.

Rooney facing six months in quarantine

WAYNE Rooney may not return from his UEFA hearing today amid fears he will be kept in quarantine for six months.