Fake nice people worse than authentic bastards

PEOPLE who pretend to be nice are worse than those who are openly unpleasant, it has emerged.

Nuns to teach Tristram Hunt that he’s dirty and wrong

CATHOLIC nuns have pledged to teach Tristram Hunt that he is a dirty boy who makes Jesus angry.

Online personality quiz finds user to be gullible procrastinator

AN ONLINE personality test has proved 100 per cent accurate in predicting the woman completing it is self-obsessed and bored with her job.

ISIS handbook to be turned into Cosmo column

TIPS on how to be a female jihadi will soon appear in the pages of Cosmopolitan, the magazine has confirmed.

Millions registering to vote so they can write ‘f**kers’ on ballot paper

MILLIONS of people are registering to vote so they can scrawl obscenities across their worthless ballot paper.

Children ‘know which brand of beer they are drinking’

CHILDREN are more familiar with Fosters lager than McVities biscuits because they prefer beer to Hobnobs.

Couples declare their love is as strong as a £1.29 padlock

THE love lock craze has seen thousands of couples pledging their devotion is as unbreakable as a padlock from Poundstretcher.

Former Londoners permanently tainted

LONDONERS who move to the provinces will never fit in because their souls are tainted by the city’s evil aura.