Barbecues shit

PEOPLE who like barbecues are freaks, it has emerged.

Prisoners riot over journalist influx

HARDENED criminals in several UK prisons have begun rioting at the prospect of sharing a cell with a Murdoch.

Is your baby foreign?

THERE is a one-in-three chance that your infant is foreign, it has been claimed.

North-South divide becoming science fiction thing

NORTHERNERS may soon be living in tunnels while those in the south grow to nine feet tall and float around, it was claimed last night.

Murdoch to show MPs footage of themselves sleeping

RUPERT Murdoch will tell the Commons Culture Committee later today that he could kill them all by merely wishing it into being.

Private investigation 'could be permanently tarnished'

PRIVATE investigators fear that the respectability of their profession may never fully recover following the News International scandal, it has emerged.

Once-apathetic nation now mildly annoyed

AS the rancid truth about Britain's puppet-masters continues to unravel, a country once sedated by telly and shiny things has become almost vaguely interested.

Guardian readers finally get excuse to buy a tabloid

THE final edition of News of the World has given liberal middle earners a long-awaited opportunity to immerse themselves in red-top squalor, it has emerged.