Border staff to deliver world class surliness

INJUNCTION proceedings forcing border staff into work on Thursday will ensure the gruffest possible welcome for Olympic tourists, it has been claimed.

Britons would be out enjoying the sun if they weren't basically slaves

MILLIONS of Britons are thinking about what they'd be doing in the sun if they weren't busting their asses in a soulless office environment.

Cocaine euphemisms chart unveiled

THIS year's top 10 names for cocaine have been announced by leading drugs trade figures.

Tradesmen's earnings 'only untaxed until they get to the pub'

BUILDERS' cash-in-hand earnings only remain outside the tax system until they arrive at a place that sells beer, it has been claimed.

Jack the Ripper to light Olympic flame

THE enduringly popular and internationally appealing Victorian serial killer Jack the Ripper will light the Olympic flame, it has emerged.

Plan ahead by being rich, Johnson tells London travellers

BORIS Johnson has assured Londoners that the capital’s fabulously-wealthy travel infrastructure is doing just fine.

'Foodies' congratulate themselves on ability to eat

THOUSANDS are self-styled 'foodies' are trumpeting their ability to orally process nutrients, it has emerged.

Imaginary Oxbridge is top university

THE imaginary Oxbridge that exists only in the heads of people obsessed with going there is the UK's top-ranked university.