Jamie Oliver food box contains instructions on cooking, obeying authority and voting Tory

A NEW meal delivery service from Jamie Oliver also includes instructions on how to live a good, conformist life.

Cornish person genuinely thinks it is some sort of a country

A WOMAN from Cornwall thinks it is a nation of some kind, it has emerged.

30-year-old still too cool to put bag straps over both shoulders

A GROWN man has revealed that he is still too cool to put both of his bag straps over both shoulders when out in public.

Lottery decided completely at random, complains angry Britain

UNSUCCESSFUL Lotto players have complained about the arbitrary way the numbers are drawn.

Last man to still use the phrase 'having it off' dies

THE last man in the UK to describe sexual intercourse as 'having it off' has died, aged 78.

GCSE coursework moved to accommodate Easter egg consumption

GCSE COURSEWORK dates are to be moved to allow pupils enough time to eat all their Easter eggs.

Britain in race against time to avoid bad luck

ANYONE with Christmas decorations still up tonight will probably die, experts have warned.

Son becomes head of family after eating most food over Christmas

A SON has toppled his father as head of the family after eating more than him over the festive season.