Everyone assigned something to worry about

EACH household in Britain will be given a thing to be absolutely terrified about.

Retired people flooding UK with shit art

BRITAIN'S retired people are producing overwhelming amounts of poor quality artwork, experts have warned.

Most people don't understand the things they say

THE majority of people just repeat popular words and phrases without knowing what they mean.

Facebook to allow beheading videos if accompanied by inspirational quote

FACEBOOK has cleared users to post videos of decapitations alongside witty or inspirational quotes.

London property only affordable to extraterrestrials

LONDON homes are being bought up by galactic emperors after becoming unaffordable to humans.

Living each day like it's your last actually a terrible idea

BEHAVING as if you're going to die tomorrow will lead to humiliating and possibly deadly situations, experts have warned.

Bright poor kids work out they're probably f*cked

MANY poorer pupils are bright enough to understand their own limited prospects, it has emerged.

Man able to crowbar his salary into any conversation

46-YEAR-OLD Tom Logan can turn any conversation around to how much he earns.