Humans to stick with oil

HUMANS are to continue to base their societies on a highly toxic substance that obviously costs far too much money.

Britons face not being able to have everything they want

BRITAIN's ongoing economic turmoil could leave households unable to buy whatever they fancy, according to a new report.

Doctors assure Paisley new pacemaker is not Catholic

DOCTORS treating former Unionist leader Ian Paisley have assured him his new pacemaker is not in league with the Bishop of Rome.

Britain gets comfy as Melanie Phillips explains 'biblical sexuality'

BRITAIN today asked Melanie Phillips to wait a second while it settled into its favourite chair with a big bag of crisps.

Mumsnet into filth

TERRIFYING online collective Mumsnet has revealed a predilection for high-grade online filth.

Victory for common sense as clamper hung on a gibbet

THE Campaign for Common Sense Clamping scored a fresh victory last night as a clamper was killed and his mutilated body put on display as a warning to others.

Vigilante nan declares war on street crime and black people

CRIME-FIGHTING grandmother Margaret Gerving has declared war on wrongdoers, especially black people and Germans.

Kids who eat pizza 'do not ask lots of smart-arse questions'

FAT, happy children who eat pizza do not waste their time asking a series of annoying, smart-arse questions, researchers have discovered.