DRINKING at least three pints of beer at lunchtime could put Britain's economy back on track, it has been claimed.
THE contribution of drug addicts to British society is to be honoured at the first National Junkie Day.
FAST food giant McDonalds is re-branding its restaurants as foodless leisure spaces for bored, hostile teenagers.
LABOUR leader Ed Milliband was part of an Oxbridge social club that would watch Star Wars up to 48 times in a row, it has emerged.
INSPIRING Melanie Phillips has overcome potentially debilitating horribleness to pen an article about the Paralympics.
BORIS Johnson is to be carried through London on a golden sedan chair carried by Bradley Wiggins, Mo Farah, Jessica Ennis and Ellie Simmonds.
IN a move to kick start the economy, Heathrow Airport will be extended to cover everything between Ipswich and Portsmouth.
THE disability benefits system will be replaced by medals for things like shutting up and getting on with it, it has emerged.