NEXT April's Royal Wedding will give Britain a four-day respite from its busy schedule of baying hysterically at television freak shows.
WORKPLACES across England are bracing themselves for the impact of thousands of red-eyed, half-pissed psychopaths, when the Ashes begins later this week.
GRANDPARENTS are finding their kindly exterior increasingly difficult to maintain, it has emerged.
GREATER Manchester will be 500 square miles of smouldering hellhole by April, say experts.
A LEADING circuit judge has today issued an arrest warrant for hungry cartoon predator Wile E Coyote.