Vets taking the absolute piss

VETS are charging up to £70 to stick a needle in a cat, it has emerged.

Garden furniture asks if it can come in

YOUR garden table and chairs have asked if they can come inside with the other furniture for a bit.

People with National Trust car stickers mostly drug dealers

OVER 90 per cent of National Trust car sticker owners are career criminals, it has emerged.

Doctors 'not secretly planning to murder patients'

DOCTORS will not use voluntary euthanasia laws to do lots of murders, they have confirmed.

Passport backlog blamed on everyone having different names

THE UK Passport Office has insisted there would be no backlog in applications if everyone could just have the same name.

Female scientists quit

ALL women working in science have jacked it in to become bishops.

Criticising schools ‘vital’ to shit parenting

CONSTANTLY criticising your child’s school is a vital part of being a shit parent, it has been claimed.

UK to decriminalise crap weed

THE Drugs Policy Unit has announced that the possession of poor quality cannabis is no longer against the law.