Parents 'must have tattoos of children's names'

NEW guidelines will give social workers the power to take children into care if their parents do not have tattoos of their names.

Weathermen encouraged to lie

BRITONS would prefer it if television weather presenters gave them false hope.

Mail demands foreign aid to be spent on replacing British carpets

THE Daily Mail has called on the government to stop sending money to poor foreigners when it could be used to replace carpets right here in Britain.

Cute virals 'a form of child labour'

YOUTUBE clips of kids doing adorable things are being produced on an industrial scale.

Police get go-ahead for lager cannons

METROPOLITAN police plan to use lager cannons on dangerously sober rioters.

Britain's new dream is to not have house by the sea

MILLIONS of Britons who dreamed of a coastal cottage would now prefer something several hundred miles inland.

Hideous Londoners forced to travel above ground

THE twisted troglodytes who inhabit London have been forced to expose themselves to daylight.

Government issues guidelines for encounters with white BMWs

Official guidelines for safely handling encounters with white BMWs, Mercedes and Audis have been published by the Department of Transport.