Government praised for pretentious tool prevention

IMMIGRATION regulations keeping the country free of artists have been welcomed by people who are not dicks.

Parents to break Michael Gove

PARENTS across Britain are to capture Michael Gove in a big net and then beat him with a sock full of pennies.

Office bitch sweating like a navvy

BRITAIN was today enjoying the sight of the bitch in their office sweating like a filthy pig on heat.

Manchester begins to eat itself

MANCHESTER has become a self-sufficient vortex of annihilation, scientists have confirmed.

Ulster riots still far too enjoyable

SECTARIAN rioting in Northern Ireland is still far too much fun for all concerned, it was claimed last night.

Weddings in stupid places to bankrupt Britain

MILLIONS of Britons are facing financial ruin because their friends keep getting married in distant, expensive places they have only visited once.

Are you more German than Hitler?

PEOPLE across Britain are today asking themselves 'Am I more German than Hitler?'.

Bishops only allowed to think about hot anal sex

GAY people can become Church of England bishops if they promise to just think about boisterous anal sex with a greasy plumber.