Former Londoners permanently tainted

LONDONERS who move to the provinces will never fit in because their souls are tainted by the city’s evil aura.

‘Legends’ must overcome monster or massive army

THE requirements for being deemed a ‘legend’ have been raised from buying colleagues a doughnut to overcoming a seemingly invincible adversary.

Man does not like cycling

31-YEAR-OLD Julian Cook does not like cycling, it has been claimed.

Criminals who were hungry at the time to get pardons

PEOPLE who committed crimes while hungry are to be released from prison, it has emerged.

Tree is a government patsy, says internet

BLOGGERS have claimed that a tree involved in a bus crash was deliberately planted by the government. 

Boring conformity now a massive achievement

LEADING a dull suburban life with a mortgage and two children is now a phenomenal achievement, everyone has agreed.

Narcissistic Britons worried they might not be on police photo database

MILLIONS of self-absorbed UK residents are concerned that their photos may not be included in a police database.

Family knows maximum amount it would spend to keep dog alive

A FAMILY has decided that if their dog ever needed veterinary treatment costing over £1000 they would not bother.