Retirement home entry criteria 'too easy'

A RECORD number of pensioners have been granted places in care homes across Britain, amid claims the entry criteria are easier than ever.

Cat denies assaulting other cat

JAZZY, a three-year-old dark brown cat, has denied starting the vicious fight which left his black-and-white neighbour Sparks needing three stitches.

Britain's teenagers herded into their pens

IN the midst of social strife Britain's traditions endure as today the country celebrates the Great Annual Sifting of the Teenagers.

David Cameron invents the Scouts

THE prime minister has unveiled a radical new concept for social change involving youngsters with neckerchiefs being helpful.

Riot response finally turns stupid

BRITAIN'S festival of righteous indignation has finally resulted in someone being jailed because of tube socks.

Public unconcerned that police think they should be in charge

BRITAIN has thrown its support behind the unelected jobsworths who watched London burn for three days, it has emerged.

Starkey sick of hearing Jamaican patois at the Ivy

HISTORIAN David Starkey has written to a top London restaurant about its constant use of nihilistic Jamaican patois.

Looters return stuff to Games Workshop

SCORES of disappointed rioters queued up this morning to return goods they had mistakenly looted from Games Workshop.