Lunchtime pints key to economic recovery

DRINKING at least three pints of beer at lunchtime could put Britain's economy back on track, it has been claimed.

Britain to honour its heroin addicts

THE contribution of drug addicts to British society is to be honoured at the first National Junkie Day.

McDonalds relaunched as moody teen hangout

FAST food giant McDonalds is re-branding its restaurants as foodless leisure spaces for bored, hostile teenagers.

Miliband's Oxbridge club binged on Star Wars

LABOUR leader Ed Milliband was part of an Oxbridge social club that would watch Star Wars up to 48 times in a row, it has emerged.

Incredible Melanie's article challenges stereotypes of horrible people

INSPIRING Melanie Phillips has overcome potentially debilitating horribleness to pen an article about the Paralympics.

Parade to celebrate victorious Boris

BORIS Johnson is to be carried through London on a golden sedan chair carried by Bradley Wiggins, Mo Farah, Jessica Ennis and Ellie Simmonds.

Heathrow Airport to cover entire South East

IN a move to kick start the economy, Heathrow Airport will be extended to cover everything between Ipswich and Portsmouth.

Disability benefits to be replaced by medals

THE disability benefits system will be replaced by medals for things like shutting up and getting on with it, it has emerged.