Pupils assure teachers they'll always think they're dicks

INDUSTRIAL action by teachers will not undermine pupils' lack of respect for them, it has been confirmed.

A guide to strike etiquette

AS the country's public servants once again challenge Britain to notice the difference, experts have issued an essential guide to national strike etiquette.

Strike could leave airports exactly the same

TOMORROW'S public sector strike could leave UK airports exactly the same in every conceivable way, it was warned last night.

Government praised for pretentious tool prevention

IMMIGRATION regulations keeping the country free of artists have been welcomed by people who are not dicks.

Parents to break Michael Gove

PARENTS across Britain are to capture Michael Gove in a big net and then beat him with a sock full of pennies.

Office bitch sweating like a navvy

BRITAIN was today enjoying the sight of the bitch in their office sweating like a filthy pig on heat.

Manchester begins to eat itself

MANCHESTER has become a self-sufficient vortex of annihilation, scientists have confirmed.

Ulster riots still far too enjoyable

SECTARIAN rioting in Northern Ireland is still far too much fun for all concerned, it was claimed last night.