Cannabis farms funding badly-organised criminals

AN explosion in the number of cannabis farms is raking in millions for
flaky criminals who will either lose the money or spend it on snacks.

Cheery tube driver actually a pain in the arse

A LONDON underground driver who has been cheering up commuters with his amusing asides for over a decade is just a pain in the arse, it has been confirmed.

Britain borrowing way too much stuff

BRITAIN'S borrowing is out of control, with clothes, DVDs and cookware topping the list of things that need to be given back.

Catholic schools launch 'eurgh, benders' petition

PUPILS at Catholic schools are being encouraged to sign a petition against being a total bumpilot.

AA Gill still not being ignored

BRITAIN is still paying attention to a grown man who earns a living writing about restaurants and television.

Audis still Britain’s favourite car to have driving right up your arse

THE Audi has been voted the UK's top car to have six inches from your rear bumper in the outside lane of the motorway.

Olympics doing exactly what they were supposed to

THE 2012 Olympics have been declared a resounding success as the first busload of undesirables was banished from East London.

MPs demand web porn ban so they can get on with some work

POLITICIANS have called for tough curbs on the internet pornography that is distracting them from running the country.