Starkey sick of hearing Jamaican patois at the Ivy

HISTORIAN David Starkey has written to a top London restaurant about its constant use of nihilistic Jamaican patois.

Looters return stuff to Games Workshop

SCORES of disappointed rioters queued up this morning to return goods they had mistakenly looted from Games Workshop.

News International to fund extra police officers

NEWS International's desire to give money to policemen could offset the effect of government cuts, it has emerged.

Broom army infiltrated by OCD extremists

NEUROTIC cleaning obsessives have infiltrated the post-riot clean-up campaign, it was claimed last night.

Social networks restricted to messages about decency

SOCIAL networks will be confined to discussions about decency, values and the glowing satisfaction of a hard day's work.

Britain reminded that Melanie Phillips is not well

BRITAIN was last night urged to avoid the schoolboy error of thinking people like Melanie Phillips may have been right all along.

Policing seems to work

HAVING a gigantic number of policemen on the streets of London does seem to prevent riots, it emerged last night.

Cash-strapped men turn gay

MEN are turning to a life of carefree homosexuality to avoid the expense of wives and children, it has emerged.