Low crime rates mean benefits too high, say confused right-wingers

CRIME will continue to fall as long as benefits remain too generous, according to right-wingers who don’t know what they want anymore.

Police to tackle ‘concerted indiscipline’ with ‘concerted hydration’

THE police could soon deploy maximised hydration techniques to stop concerted indiscipline by Britain’s social stakeholders.

Adults living at home terrified of house price fall

PEOPLE living with their parents are dreading having to make their own way in the world, it has emerged.

All fancy dress offensive

THE overall concept of fancy dress is offensive to adult humans, it has been claimed.

Married gays to tour drought-hit countries

BETROTHED homosexuals are to use their magical flood-creating powers to bring new life to desert regions.

Miliband pledges After Eights for every middle class family

ED Miliband has pledged to rebuild middle class confidence with free After Eight mints.

Playing truant made even better by threat to parents

SCHOOLCHILDREN are more motivated to play truant now that their parents will be punished in a court of law.

Five second rule to include extra five seconds

THE government is to tackle food poverty by officially doubling the five allowable seconds for food dropped on the floor.