Society

Pension money spent entirely on figurines

RETIRED people allowed to dip into their pension pots have blown the lot on porcelain figurines.

Listening to loud music on train not an act of rebellion

PLAYING loud music on public transport is not a legitimate way of fighting the system, it has emerged.

Midwife strike highly inconvenient, say unborn babies

THOUSANDS of ambitious foetuses have been forced to remain in the womb by the midwives’ strike.

Drinking outside back to the year-rounders

CASUAL outdoor drinkers have gone inside and left the hardcore to continue through the winter months.

Mum wants to hear and ruin your Christmas plans

YOUR mother is keen to hear what you have in mind for Christmas so she can completely overrule it.

Hopelessly mixed metaphor enters fifth analogy

AN anecdote about work has turned into a hellish mess of ill-advised comparisons.

Diggers weirdly hypnotic

THE average Briton spends 210 hours of their life staring at diggers, it has emerged.

Man's puny exterior may mean he is extremely hard

31-YEAR-OLD Stephen Malley’s slight build has prompted speculation that he may be one of those small wiry hard men.