Paper cut sparks new swear words
A VICIOUS paper cut has been the catalyst for a string of new and creative obscenities.
Office worker Nikki Hollis sustained the unbelievably painful flesh wound three minutes ago, while handling a wad of deceptively treacherous A4 printer paper without due care and attention.
She has since uttered 43 previously-unheard pieces of profanity, ranging from deeply unpleasant and highly illogical to oddly poetic.
Hollis, whose volatile temperament has led her colleagues to believe she is partly Scottish, although she isn’t, said: “Owwwwww.
“Dickmonger. Twatto-shitto-fuck-factories! Big balls in a big balls hat.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuckaluck. Fer-lucking bitches, bastards, bitches. Big bat-winged bitches.
Kicking a bin over, she continued: “Christing shitbeard, you bugger. Owwwwwww. Curtains made of bastard!
“Mechanical lizard penis.”
After pausing to repeatedly bang her hand on the side of the printer – a vain attempt to confuse the pain signals detonating in her brain – she added: “Dog’s arse on a cat’s body.”
Hollis’s colleagues are watching her tirade with a mixture of sympathy, fear and disgust.
Sales co-ordinator Stephen Malley said: “She wants to stick that under a tap.”