PEOPLE in their 30s and 40s are adults who are able to decide things for themselves, according to a new academic report.

According to the latest research, only one of these drunks will later piss the bed

• they are old enough to be out on their own;
  

• they enjoy having money and being served in pubs;

• they recognise that getting drunk and climbing up some scaffolding is not an excellent use of their time.

Research director Dr Tom Logan said: "When it came to tobacco and alcohol we made the startling discovery that people over 30 were no longer little children who still pissed the bed.

"In fact, not only were they able to read the gigantic warnings on cigarette packets, they were also fully aware that drinking two bottles of Muscadet on an empty stomach could lead to hangovers, half-remembered unpleasantness and chronic liver disease - but they were going to do it anyway because they were adults and it was no-one else's fucking business.

"When we asked them how they knew these things, they stressed that was also none of our fucking business and that politicians should stop trying to make everyone the same. Or they had seen it on Scrubs."

Dr Logan added: "That said, quite a few of them did have a raging drink problem which caused them to piss the bed."

The report made a series of key recommendations for public policy makers including putting warnings on stuff and then shutting the fuck up.

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