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POLICE CREATING ARMY OF SUPER-VILLAINS |
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25-11-09 |
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POLICE arresting suspects to gain their DNA are hoping to breed a new species of super-criminal in a bid to increase overtime payments, it emerged last night.
 Police have issued an artist's impression of the sort of villain they would love to create
Meanwhile scientists involved in lab explosions and weird loners bitten by radioactive mice are now routinely being arrested for minor traffic offences and littering.
Charlie Reeves, a petty gobshite arrested after falling into a vat of toxic waste, said: "They seemed less bothered about duty solicitors and more interested in whether I'd noticed any rays shooting from my eyes."
Chief Inspector Roy Hobbs added: "Most criminals can be dealt with nine-to-five using a simple length of garden hose or a slippery staircase. But to get the big overtime bonuses, we really need some 15ft tall ultra-burglars with X-ray vision.
"Stop some bloke from fencing stolen credit cards and you just get told you're doing your job. Bring down a glowing army of bright blue slags with crab claws for hands and you can write your own expenses claims."
But civil rights campaigner Nikki Hollis said: "While black males between 16 and 30 years old are 10 times more likely to be stopped by police, individuals with tragic pasts and access to technology beyond their control are being systematically harassed on an hourly basis. It's blatant evil genius-ism."
Venturous Infinity, a newly-created criminal mastermind from Carlisle who has terrorised locals with his telekinetic heat-vision, said: "I feel the police and I have developed an exciting partnership between public and private funds which can re-energise local law enforcement and hopefully result in me escaping to a hollowed-out mountain somewhere near Kendal."
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