Prostitution To Replace Bursaries


THE government is to replace the current system of student loans and bursaries with £300-an-hour, high-class whoring.

'Give the money to the girl'

From next April students will be allowed to sell their sweet ass for the duration of their degree course, while post-graduates will be able to advertise their private parts in the Times Higher Education Supplement.

Outlining measures to be included in his pre-budget report, chancellor Alistair Darling said: "Applying for loans and grants is time-consuming and bureaucratic, whereas letting some stressed-out businessman take you up the Gary for 20 minutes isn't.

"We are more than happy for young people to self finance their studies with a few hours a week of red hot genital action, as long as they don't try and do it anonymously in a bid to avoid paying tax and national insurance."

Nathan Muir, 17, from Stevenage, said: "I'm hoping to go to Brunel next year to do aeronautical engineering. The fees are £3400, or about 63 blow jobs with a soggy ending."

He added: "Actually, if you've got time I'll let you steamboat me into the middle of next week for £500 and a used copy of The Fundamentals of Astrodynamics by Roger Bate."

Mr Darling said allowing students to tart their junk for cash will save the public purse £4 billion a year, while the exchequer will also be boosted by a 10% commission on each sexual transaction.

Mr Darling added: "This does not mean I'm a pimp. That said, them bitches better have my money or they be getting slapped upside the head."

Meanwhile Dr Nikki Hollis, a micro-biologist at Reading University, said: "I ran out of money when I was doing my PhD. I got a job at Costa Coffee."

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