the dailymash

'I know two hymns'

Addressing the Church of England General Synod, the Queen insisted it was a monarch’s solemn duty to lead those who sort of believe in like a higher power or something but aren’t into all that Sunday service stuff and shit.

The Queen said: “The role you play in thousands of communities is like, you know, brilliant and whatever. And you all seem like really nice people, though you do come across as maybe a bit weird, yeah?

“But when stuff goes wrong and shit, it’s good to know that you’re there. Not that we would actually talk to you, there’s strangers on the internet we can share that kind of stuff with.

“But still, the buildings are nice. I hate it when they get made into flats or pubs and stuff. I always think that’s a bit sacramentious.”

The Queen addressed the Synod at a time when Anglicanism risks being torn apart by those who sort of think Jesus was a pretty good guy and those who think he was a bit like Buddha, or maybe Frodo.

Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, said: “I just think that Jesus was probably this really god guy with a really strong speaking voice and lots of people looked up to him. Have you seen Life of Brian? I think it was probably a bit like that.”

But the traditionalist Bishop of Stevenage, the Right Revered Julian Cook, said: “I think there could have been miracles and shit. It’s impossible to prove either way because it all happened a really long time ago, like Conan the Barbarian.”

The Queen added: “I just feel that there’s this, like, energy inside all of us and after we die it has to go somewhere. D’you know what I mean?”