New Year’s Honours ceremony moved to the O2

THE New Year’s Honours ceremony will be held in London’s O2 Arena to handle the sheer volume of recipients, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

Probably this lot should all gets CBEs or something

By the end of the Olympics it is predicted that one in three of Britain’s tracksuit owners will be in line for an award, forcing the Queen to host the event in the 20000 capacity stadium.

Other suggestions for knocking out the honours in an afternoon included her majesty jogging down a line of sportists waving a sword over their head, which was rejected over fears of an accidental Wiggins beheading.

Hovering over Buckingham Palace gardens in a helicopter shouting out the awards with a loudhailer was also considered, but was shelved after the opening ceremony made it appear ‘a bit old crown’.

Royal aide Denys Finch Hatton said: “We’ve hired out the O2, which has the added bonus of making us a bit of cash on the side as the extra seating will be sold to the public who’ll apparently pay good money to watch these people do just about anything.

“The whole shebang is going to be like a Moonie mass wedding but without the insistence on a fanatical devotion to a figurehead and yes, shut up, I know what you’re going to say next.”

The Queen has hired the glitter cannon belonging to Kiss, which will be loaded with medals and fired out into the assembled fitness types.

The seating arrangements have been organised according to award, with soon-to-be-knights getting corporate boxes and a mosh pit of CBEs at the front.

Gold-winning commuter Chris Hoy said: “Getting a medal from the Queen means a lot, even if it’s coming at me as a potentially dangerous projectile.”