Rail Passengers To Squeeze Inside Each Other's Bums
RAIL passengers will be forced to spend their daily commute squeezed into the body cavities of other people, it has been confirmed.
You might want to find yourself a regular 'chum'
The House of Commons public accounts committee claims overcrowding will worsen to the point where commuters will have to make room by sticking a leg, an arm or a head up the rectum of the person next to them.
Committee chairman, Margaret Hodge, said: “We have two choices – either we just, for the love of sweet Jesus Christ Almighty on a bike, buy some more carriages, or we institute a national programme of anus widening.”
Tom Logan, from Reading, said: “I currently travel to work in that little space between two pairs of double seats that face in opposite directions. I back-in on all fours which means I am able to read a book. I am truly a king among men.”
He added: “There was a little bin there but I ripped it out – and then of course I had to use it as a weapon against other passengers who may or may not have been coveting my new space.
“The first three months were a constant battle as I fought like a drunken Irishman to secure my luxurious gap. A lot of blood was shed and there was one day – I think it was a Tuesday - when I was forced to eat someone’s nose. It’s a bit quieter now.”
A spokesman for the Southeastern rail franchise said: “We are very keen to hear from commuters with gigantic mouths. Perhaps we could offer them a travelcard discount based on how much arm they can fit in without choking.
“We would also stress that increased passenger numbers will mean a boom time for companies that make rubber gloves, jam funnels and breathing apparatus.”
Jane Thompson, from Gillingham, said: “So they want me to travel to work with my head rammed up a stranger’s backside?
“To be honest, that’s fine. Match.com wasn’t really working for me anyway.”
