Religions United By Retail-Based Deity
BRITAIN’S major retailers have joined forces to create a new shopping-centric deity called ‘Spendo’.
If Jesus had done a three-for-two DVD offer, he might still be alive
According to the new belief system, Spendo is a benevolent spiritual being who lives in all products, but only while they are quite new.
Reverend Tom Logan, a Spendist minister at the Boulevard Retail Park in Peterborough, said: “Historically, the major religions have disagreed on key points, which has led to things like social awkwardness and global conflict.
“Such differences are particularly evident during the holy festival of Xmas leading to resentment among people who don’t believe in the Bible, wise men or snow.
“But everyone, regardless of creed or colour, loves getting stuff.”
Revered Logan stressed that Spendo does not recognise cultural boundaries and can be worshipped via a simple points-based loyalty card system.
“The more you spend, the more Spendo is appeased. Though it is worth bearing in mind that if you spend less than a grand this Christmas, regardless of your income, he will destroy your house with lightning, dunk your pets in a vat of acid and cause your next child to be born a blind lizard.”
The teachings of Spendo, listed on the back of storecards, include the warning that those who fail to shop diligently or question the validity of Spendo’s multi-buy offers face eternity in The Basement, a vast, grey room devoid of products.
Reverend Logan said: “Imagine – if you can – a place where there is literally nothing to purchase. All you can do is sit and think and think, until the pointlessness of your existence makes you cry from every pore.â€
He added: “If you have the time you could always worship Spendo alongside your existing faith. Physically he looks a bit like that red leather ‘Scirocco’ corner group.”
