Report condemned for not calling UK women 'jolliest in Europe'
A REPORT into obesity has been condemned as ‘incredibly rude’ after calling British women fat.
Jolly woman needs you to shut the fuck up for the next 15 seconds
Campaigners said the report had ignored a range of internationally recognised terms including ‘cheeksome’ ‘oomph-tastic’ and ‘having enough personality to smother a buffalo’.
Nikki Hollis, Britain’s fourth jolliest woman, said: “This report was obviously written by some scrawny bitch who pukes donuts into her handbag.
“She’s probably too scared to have a baby in case it bursts out of her tiny stomach like something out of Alien.”
Lead researcher, Dr Helen Archer, said: “That wasn’t very jolly.”
The department of health pledged that if women became less bubbly through diet and exercise it would consider giving them a free Morecambe and Wise DVD to help maintain their levels of cheerfulness.
Meanwhile the United Nations’ International Panel on Body Words has called for all sides to agree a ‘framework of description’ that was both upbeat and ‘an accurate representation of volume’.
A spokesman said: “We were thinking ‘chunky monkey’.”
