River Cottage downshifters 'must mate with locals'
URBAN professionals escaping to rural areas must contribute to the local gene pool, it has been claimed.
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Under new proposals, city workers who move to the countryside because the telly said it was nice should mate with the dwindling indigenous population to ensure a steady supply of harvest gatherers.
Dr Helen Archer, from the Institute for Studies said: “You can’t blame people for relocating to somewhere lovely, but problems arise when they don’t work locally, shop locally and, most importantly, don’t have sex with local people.
“In many rural areas crops are going to seed simply because farmers cannot find strong, dependable labourers with no more than 11 fingers.
“Even if they were willing to pitch in, urban escapees are mostly pencil-necked management consultants and thus of little use with a scythe. Nevertheless, their DNA could be used to create broad-shouldered yeomen who understand what a deadline is.”
Following Institute for Studies guidelines, the government is piloting a local-newcomer interbreeding program in the Oxfordshire village of Tunbury.
Tunbury-based architect Stephen Malley, who recently moved from the Swiss Cottage area of London, said: “I had expected a River Cottage-esque idyll with babbling brooks, freshly-foraged food and a reassuring lack of non-caucasian teenagers.
“Instead I was stripped to my underwear and forced into a filthy cattle trailer with a massive dry-stone waller known as ‘Mutton Jeff’.
“I desperately explained that I couldn’t give him strong sons as I wasn’t female.
“He says we should keep trying.”
