Royal Wedding Gives Britain Four Day Break From Baying At Freaks
NEXT April’s Royal Wedding will give Britain a four-day respite from its
busy schedule of baying hysterically at television freak shows.
Will he master the Foxtrot before ripping someone's chest open?
With bank holidays on the wedding date of Friday 29 April and the following Monday, the Royal spectacular could hand millions of Britons an extended break from pointing and grunting at wretched, fame-hungry scum.
Viewers will be able to put down their freak show voting matrices and immerse their bloated skulls in round-the-clock coverage, including the build up, the wedding day, the post-wedding clear up and then the first live pictures from the helicopter that will hover 250ft above Prince William and Kate Middleton for the rest of their lives.
As the wedding date was revealed, the Confederation of British Industry estimated the extended bank
holiday will cost the economy £5bn, but said that the more they looked
at Britain the less they cared what happens to it.
Meanwhile the BBC and ITV have hit back, pledging to make their flagship freak shows more emotionally disturbing than ever in a bid to hang on to every last one of their baying cretins.
Contestants on series 1,495 of The Dancing Programme will include a ravenous male lion, an exploding robot and a famous female murderer, who is also fat and ugly, but will charm viewers with her calamitous attempt at the pasa doble.
BBC bosses have yet to decide whether she will kill her dance partner with a claw hammer or a fountain pen.
And as eminent scatologist Gillian McKeith continues her descent into a seemingly bottomless pit of insanity, ITV have hinted that next April’s series of The Jungle Programme will include at least four, pre-menopausal women, the maddest of whom will eventually be smuggled a handgun.
A source said: “On Thursday the 28th, audiences will be watching the build-up to the wedding so we are going to need some kind of murder-suicide extravaganza. And then Ant and Dec will introduce a touching montage dedicated to the recently slain.”
Meanwhile ITV’s The Singing Programme will see a pretty, teenage contestant become the first person in Britain to lose control of their bowels on live television.
A source said: “We’ll pick the prettiest one and then spike her pre-show energy drink with a devastatingly powerful laxative so that the resulting diahorrhea goes absolutely everywhere. We’re hoping the eruption will have enough force to splatter some of it across the camera.
“Don’t ever try and steal our cretins again. Fuckin’ amateurs.”
In other news:
We actually think Wagner is pretty good, say people who voted for him
