the dailymash

Britain is sitting on a milf powder keg

Fighting broke out at around 4pm when eight boxes of Heston Blumenthal ‘Wise Man’ scented mince pies were flattened by the back wheels of a Bugaboo Cameleon pram system.

Eyewitness Stephen Malley said: “One minute the girl was chatting away on her Blackberry, the next her pram’s gone over the Waitrose carrier and all hell’s broken loose. I knew I had to get out fast, but I got clipped by a flying Hunter welly. It really smarts.

“There was total carnage. They were smashing those really big mugs over each other’s heads and trying to poke each other in the eye with wooden stirrers.”

He added: “Some of those girls have had a load of work done. They can punch each other really hard and they don’t feel a thing. Their face just pops back into shape like a yoghurt carton.”

Tension had been rising in the bustling town centre since early afternoon when the high street Boots ran out of Sanctuary Spa products, forcing desperate milfs to buy items not included in 3-for-2s.

Nicky Hollis, a 31 year-old milf, said: “When you’ve had to shell out that much on a gift for your dad’s ugly girlfriend, there’s nothing you want more than a triple-shot eggnog latte to take the edge off.

“But if some bitch thinks she can take that away from me then she better be okay with losing an eyelid.”

Dr Julian Cook, a milf behaviourist at Roehampton University, said: “Milf brawls have been part of our culture since Krystle Carrington and Alexis Colby’s pond rumble in 1984. But what we saw today was unfettered savagery. Dirty girls.”

Milf brawl veteran, Helen Archer, said: “Take That, Manchester Stadium, East Stand, Exit J – I was there. You can’t just unsee that stuff. After I’ve gone in, there’s only two ways I’m coming out – with a Body Shop bag or in a Body Shop bag.”

Emma Bradford, a 29 year old expectant milf, said: “It’s not about mince pies, it’s about survival.”