Talking Lion Spotted Near Carlisle
AS winter continues to exist across Britain, a large allegorical predator has been spotted in Cumbria.
'Are you the son of Adam? No? In that case you must be lunch'
Fears are growing that the presence of the talking lion may foreshadow a series of adventures for Britain that are rubbish compared to Lord of the Rings or the Philip Pullman trilogy and altogether far too Jesus-y for their own good.
Carlisle taxi driver, Wayne Hayes, said: “I give any middle-class Southern kids swanning around the place and calling themselves royalty about eight seconds before they have the shit knocked well and truly out of them.
“Last summer, five of them came up to visit with their dog and started trying to solve local crimes. Let’s just say it was ‘character-building’.”
Eyewitness Roy Hobbs said: “I was dragging my sledge full of lager back to my tumble-down shack when this huge fucker leapt out of the trees and asked me if I’d seen any poncy-looking teenagers.
“He had this tiny, cloven-footed hairy-looking creature with him which I just assumed was a Scottish person. I pointed them both in the direction of Durham and did a runner.”
Literary allusion is a common side-effect of adverse weather conditions. During the recent floods in Cornwall, a man was arrested outside Newquay Zoo trying to ram three hundred pairs of animals into the boot of his Audi.
Meanwhile, according to US cultural meteorologists, the Kansas tornado season kills up to 14 horrid old ladies every year.
A spokesman for the Cultural Met Office said: “If the snow continues, the UK could move from being a sort of half-arsed Narnia to being the forbidden, frozen wasteland that is the ice planet Hoth. And that would be totally fucking brilliant.”
