the dailymash

Under current restrictions many teachers are confused about which 16 year-olds they can pursue and are instead forced to do it at home with their aging partners.

Following a deal with the Department of Education teachers in England and Wales will be supplied with a 'hump list' and a 'no-hump list' of all the 16 year-olds in their local authority area.

When in bed with one or more 16 year-olds, teachers will have to read names from the 'no-hump' list. If anyone replies 'here' the session must be abandoned.

Bill Mckay, a sixth form tutor from Essex, said: "An average size town will have around three thousand 16 year-olds endlessly flaunting themselves in their short skirts and knee socks.

"But because of these bizarre restrictions a teacher will only be able to have sex with as few as 2,940 of them."

He added: "Why should my pupils be denied instruction in the arts of love from an experienced, middle aged man who has totally gone off his wife?"

English teacher Elaine Bishop added: "It's very difficult to get to know these youngsters if you can't lean over them in class, lend them Lady Chatterley's Lover, and promise them at least a B+ in return for casual sex."