Tube Strike Backfires As Commuters Steal Train Keys And Drive Themselves
THE London tube strike ended abruptly last night after commuters stormed trains and instantly mastered the controls.
The latest walk-out was prompted by concerns over reduced staffing levels in ticket offices, or pay, or the withdrawal of Quavers from canteen vending machines masquerading as some bullshit about safety.
But the action backfired when a group of frustrated would-be travellers stole keys and entered train cabs to discover that tube driving mainly involves pressing a button.
Civilian hijacker, Martin Bishop, said: “When we got in the cab we discovered there was just one button. A big, red button like a clown’s nose.
“You press it once to stop, once to go. And the train itself is on rails, so you don’t have to worry about steering.
“I thought to myself, ‘I can probably handle this’.”
He added: “Basically, working a train is not that hard and if I was getting forty grand a year to do it I’d probably keep my head down, perhaps even do cockney-style sing-a-longs over the PA to keep everyone sweet.
“In Paris they don’t even have human drivers, it’s all automatic and inside the cabs there’s just a baguette with a cap stuck on it.”
Meanwhile, other angry civilians broke into ticket offices and immediately began operating them in a friendly and polite manner.
Disgruntled punter Emma Bradford said: “Apparently reducing ticket office staffing levels in stations would make them less safe. But, while I can understand that in principle, last time I went to the ticket window and asked for a Zone 2 Travelcard, the man looked at me as if I’d just offered to fill his hat with some of my shit.
“So on that basis, I’m not entirely sure the same person could be relied upon to help if my hair was on fire.”