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TV AUDIENCES NOW INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL TO THINGS WORTH WATCHING |
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18-12-09 |
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TELEVISION audiences in the UK are increasing as the proportion of programmes that are functionally unwatchable hurtles towards 100%, according to a new study.
 Dermot O'Leary will present Saturday Night Ice in Urine from next April
TV analyst Tom Logan said: "We estimate that if ITV showed nothing but some ice cubes melting slowly in a glass of Simon Cowell's urine, the audience could theoretically exceed the population of the UK."
Meanwhile TV viewing has declined in France, Germany and the Netherlands in what experts insist is a vindication of their decision not to be British.
Logan said: "The number one show in France is currently Monsieur Electropop C'est Tres Grande, featuring a man in a tinfoil suit pretending to be a giant microphone. It's not as good as it sounds.
"But the more awful their television programmes become the less people are watching them. That's what's supposed to happen. Do you see?"
According to analysis of British TV audiences an increasing number of viewers would rather take caffeine supplements so they can stay up until 2am watching bored skanks on a cable channel instead of just going to bed.
Logan added: "Glancing at the TV schedules, it is hard to separate out the merely witless from the deliberately evil, although Fearne Cotton is what we call a 'straddler'."
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