the dailymash

SAT results show that 78% are now technically dense, while the remaining 22% should be stupid enough to join the police by 2011.

Experts said the figures were in line with millions of stupid people rutting like monkeys and called on KFC to include contraceptives in its secret recipe. Meanwhile the educated middle classes have been urged to put down their fabric swatches and have some sex.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "During the last round of SATs almost a third of students had to be stopped from eating the test paper.

"More than half were unable to hold a pen, and of those who could, 74% instantly stabbed themselves in the ear.

"If the downward intellectual spiral continues, then children who last century would have been kept in a dungeon will soon be bogwashed as swots."

Teacher Helen Archer said: "You can't polish a turd, let alone a classroom that is absolutely filled with turds. It's as much as I can do to stop them trying to swallow sunlight, never mind teaching them they are not the same thing as a cow."

She added: "It's got to the point where I can't even be bothered to have another nervous breakdown."

A spokesman for the Jeremy Kyle Show said: "I honestly don't know where we're going to put them all."