The Daily Mash - UNDER FIVES NOT TAKING YOUR SHIT ANY MORE

UNDER FIVES NOT TAKING YOUR SHIT ANY MORE

07-11-08

BRITAIN'S under fives are just not taking this shit any more, the National Union of Teachers has warned.

'It's a picture of me. Kicking your balls'

The NUT said until last year the under fives were the only children that teachers could give shit to without fear of reprisal.

However, since September the tables have turned and the country's tiniest pupils are not only up for it but are incredibly well organised.

Martin Bishop, a primary school teacher from Liverpool, said: "The one with the strongest legs goes at the bottom and the others climb on top until, collectively, they are tall enough to punch you in the face. It's like a troupe of evil, midget acrobats.

"Then they grab your legs and topple you over before the ringleader starts kicking you repeatedly in the groin."

He added: "They also like to hide in cupboards so that when you open the door to get some crayons about eight of them swarm all over you and then start biting you in the face."

Official statistics show that 1,500 under fives were suspended from school last term for cigarette smuggling, organising prostitutes and running a numbers racket.

Kyle Stephenson, four, said: "You think I'm funny? How the fuck am I funny? What the fuck is so funny about me?"