Uppity bishops expressing views on how humans should treat each other

CHURCH of England bishops have been accused of meddling in how humans interact.

The bishops were attacked after publishing a letter setting out why they felt society was not very good and how it might be improved so that everything was slightly less unpleasant.

But Tory MP Denys Finch-Hatton said it was a betrayal of the bishops’ traditional role of trying to send messages to God via the sharp point at the top of their hats.

He added: “Bishops should sit in darkened rooms, chanting gibberish and rubbing their hands together.

“They should only be allowed out on Sundays so they can stand in a pulpit and say nice things about Princess Anne.”

Finch-Hatton has demanded an inquiry into how the Church of England became ‘infested’ with people who think Jesus sets a good example.

Norman Steele, the Bishop of Stevenage, said: “If Jesus was around today, I’m pretty sure he would have opinions about stuff.

“And I have degree in theology, so shut it.”

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The Mash guide to claiming benefits

MORE and more people are now excluded from claiming benefits, so how exactly do you qualify? Read our guide:

— Applicants for housing benefit must attend a joint interview with their house. If your house does not attend its assessment interview on time, benefits will be sanctioned.

— Claimants with university degrees must attend a six-week course at the School of Hard Knocks. If injured, they will not be eligible for incapacity benefit.

— If your BMI is under 18.5 then you are too weak to work and will be sanctioned unless registered as of Exceptional Natural Beauty.

— Applicants who have failed to complete a minimum of two six-month internships with City financial institutions will be refused benefits, because they are obviously not trying.

— If you have a friend-with-benefits relationship you are not entitled to any other benefits, and any benefits received during the period must be repaid.

— Are you a heavy smoker who has never worked a day in your life with hordes of filthy children you expect the state to pay for? Then you are eligible for benefits of up to £10,000 a month if you commit to three national media appearances per week.

— Anyone with a criminal record, unpaid debts, impure thoughts or a moral character that prevent the claimant from stepping off the wheel of karma into nirvana is ineligible for benefits.

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